Puns and Wordplay

What did the fish say when it swam into the wall? "Dam!"
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That's punny!

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I prefer my puns intended

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If you replace WE in "wellness" with I, you get "illness"

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"So weird" sounds so weird

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Rare steaks are actually quite common

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0 days without sAcasrm

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Where do you put a piece of paper that you don't want to get folded?

Into a folder

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By the way, veterinarian is not an abbreviation for a veteran vegetarian.

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If womb is pronounced "woom", and tomb is pronounced "toom", shouldn't bomb be pronounced "boom"?

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etc = out of examples

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No, PhD does not stand for "Passed highschool with difficulty"

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He died in the living room

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In a haunted castle a friendly ghost appears and poses for a snapshot. Unfortunately all photos turn out too dark. Moral to the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.

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Reading a book on the history of glue. I can't put it down.

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What did the smoker say to the cigarette? "It's a match."

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If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms there would be mass confusion

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"Bro, do you want this pamphlet?"  "Brochure"

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Here's your dead battery free of charge

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Sweet dreams are grate of cheese
Who am I to diss a Brie
I Cheddar the world and the Feta cheese
Every Gouda is looking so tempting

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I love you from my head tomatoes

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This is how eye roll

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Russian dolls are so full of themselves

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I knew a German barber once. His name was Herr Katt.

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What do you call an exploding monkey? A baboom.

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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.

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Fury, the dwarf, was a little upset

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I love earth's rotation. It really makes my day.

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How does NASA go to Mars? They planet.

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Camping is intense

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Dyslexics of the world: UNTIE!

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A dyslexic walks into a bra. He gets slapped in the cafe.

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That's waeird

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You need flower and ax to make puncakes

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There was a mystic who ate very little and thus was frail and had a bad breath. He also walked barefoot a lot. He was a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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There were two identical twins: Juan and Ahmal. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.

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Went to a seafood disco last week. Pulled a mussel.

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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before

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Two antennas got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was outstanding.

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Says one atom to the other: "I've lost my electron"  "Are you sure?"  "Yes, I'm positive"

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When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

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In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

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The midget fortune­teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

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Sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center: "Keep off the Grass"

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Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

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A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

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The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference

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The cross-eyed teacher couldn't control her pupils

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I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, then it dawned on me

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I changed my tablet's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

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I wanted to be a banker, but then I lost interest

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I don't juggle. I don't have the balls to do it.

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Relief map: Shows where the restrooms are.

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My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.

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It's a very lengthy article on ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.

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What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.

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They aren't making yardsticks any longer

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I used to have a fear of hurdles but I got over it

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Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.

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I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

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A man tried at assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!

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Eating a clock is very time‑consuming

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I wasn't going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind

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The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless

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The meaning of opaque is unclear

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Soap opera: When you sing in the shower and get some some shampoo in your mouth

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Broken pencils are pointless

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Reading a book on anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

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Tried to tell puns to make them laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

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I know a Polish sound technician. And a Czech one, too. Czech one, too. Czech one, too.

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Wanna hear a joke about construction? Nevermind, I'm still working on it.

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I know it's cheesy but it's grate

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Well, well, well... that's where you get water

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"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!"  "Yes sir, it's fresh ground"

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I refused to believe that my father, a road worker, was a thief. But when I came home, all the signs were there.

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Instead of "the John" I call my toilet "the Jim". People are impressed when I say "The first thing I do in the morning is going to the Jim"

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Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner

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Cigarettes can harm passive smokers. Fair enough, use ashtrays.

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"How's living in North Korea?"  "Can't complain"

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He is the very pineapple of politeness

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When you change the bag of your vacuum you become the vacuum cleaner

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I replaced the bed with a trampoline. When my wife found out, she hit the roof.

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Sorry if I sound French. It's not on purpoise.

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A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

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A pessimist's blood type is B‑negative

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Egoism: An I for an I

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Once you've seen a shopping center, you've seen a mall.

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It doesn't matter how loud you are, Niki is Lauda

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What is the best present in the world? A broken drum, you just can't beat it.

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Why did he fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

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Why can't your hand be twelve inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

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I joined the gym and lost some weights

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My dad made a lot of money. He was counterfeiting.

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Bought a gun from a T-Rex. He's a small arms dealer.

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Making a cake is as easy as pie

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I made up my very own word today: "Plagiarism"

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With great reflexes comes great response ability

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Someone stole my coffee cup. Now I'm going to the police to look at mug shots. I hope someone spills the beans.

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I was looking at my ceiling last night. I certainly don't think it's the best. But it's up there.

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I make bad chemistry jokes because the good ones Argon.

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Why isn't snot pink? Because 's not.

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The best thing about Switzerland? Don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

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What happens in vagueness stays in vagueness

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Today I had to buy a new keyboard because last night I lost Ctrl.

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Why did the Martian throw beef on the asteroid? He wanted it a little meaty-or.

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"Etc" = "End of thinking capacity"

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Why were they called The Dark Ages? Because they had so many knights.

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Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn't peeling well.

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What's the difference between a good poker hand and a vegetable garden? One you read 'em and weep, the other you weed 'em and reap.

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What did the sick foot say to the healhty foot? "I need a pedi-cure"

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Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

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"Have you met my vegetarian girlfriend?"  "No, I've never met herbivore"

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I design chairs for waiting rooms. I'm the chair man of the bored.

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Five minutes before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.

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To err is human. To arr is pirate.

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Why didn't the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.

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I just joined a gym for religious minorities. Jehova's Fitness.

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What did one wall say to another wall? I'll meet you at the corner.

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"See that place over there?" (points to cemetery)  "What about it, Dad?"  "People are just dying to get in there"

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What did the chess player say to his waiter after eating his meal? Checkmate (cheque, mate).

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What time did the man go to the dentist? 2:30 (tooth hurty).

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How did the toast get into the zoo cage? It was bread in captivity.

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RIP hot water. You will be mist.

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That's irrelephant. That's unrelated to elephants.

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"You know what sucks?"  "Vacuum cleaners"  "No, I mean in a metaphorical sense"  "Black holes"

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How do you find new friends? With contact lenses.

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I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

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Why did the man throw the butter out the window? To see the butterfly.

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Why did the man throw a bucket of water out the window? To see the waterfall.

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What's the difference between a lion with toothache and a wet day? One is roaring with pain the other is pouring with rain.

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Why did the germ cross the microscope? To get to the other slide.

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I once broke wind in an elevator. That was wrong on so many levels.

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England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

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Shocking but true. Birds can fly, but flies can't bird.

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My friend David had his ID stolen. Now we just call him Dav.

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If you throw a clock, time flies by

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A mushroom walks into a bar. "We don't serve mushrooms here"  "Why not? I'm a funguy"

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Heat is faster than cold because you can catch a cold

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Afraid of Santa? You're Claustrophobic!

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A man walks into a bar and says "Ouch!"

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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

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Two fish in a tank. "How do you drive this thing?"

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Went to the corner shop. Bought 3 corners.

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"Help, Doctor! I took your pills and now I think I'm shrinking!"  "Well, you have to be a little patient"

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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

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Bank teller: "How do you like the money?"  "I like it very much"

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What's the most hardworking part of the eye? The pupil.

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The cannibal was late for dinner. Now he got the cold shoulder.

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He shoplifted a calendar and got 12 months.

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Why didn't the ghost go to the party? Because it has no body to go with.

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What did the undertaker die of? Coughin'

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"James, please call me a taxi"  "You're a taxi, Sir"

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Says the doughnut to the loaf of bread: "If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn't be hanging around this hole"

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Atheism is a non‑prophet organization

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Couldn't figure out why the basketball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

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This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

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My dog can do magic tricks. It's a Labra­cadabra­dor.

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It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

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The cheetah is a cheater and the lion is lying

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Phone rings *green*green*. Woman pinks up: "Yellow?"

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OK, OK, I don't know what "Armageddon" means. But that's not the end of the world, is it?

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I said: "What rhymes with orange", he said: "No, it doesn't"

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Customer: "Do you have a four volt, two watt light bulb for my fridge?"  "For what?"  "No, two"  "To what?"  "Yes"  "No"  "Good‑bye"

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Where did the sheep get a haircut? The baa‑baa shop.

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A dyslexic walks into a bra

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What did the fish say when it swam into the wall? "Dam!"

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