| Puns and WordplayWhat did the fish say when it swam into the wall? "Dam!"I am what I yam
----------------- "Does your dog bite?" — "No" — "So how do you feed it?"
------------- Many chemicals love alcohol. Because alcohol is a solution.
---------------- I think I caught some vegans in my basement. All day long they keep shouting "Lettuce leaf! Lettuce leaf!"
---------------- I have the memory of an elephant. I very clearly remember seeing an elephant in a zoo once.
-------------- Bought a broken TV for only $4.50, but the volume is stuck on maximum! It was an offer I simply couldn't turn down.
---------- Shoe repair shop:
WE WILL HEEL YOU
WE WILL SAVE YOUR SOLE
WE WILL EVEN DYE FOR YOU
---------------- Cremation. My final hope for a smokin' hot body!
--------- The most blessed people are those who sneeze the most
----------- "Why is there music coming out of your printer?" — "That's the paper jamming again"
----------------- I'm rich but lonely. So I bought shares to have some company.
---------------- Toilet paper plays an important role in my life
-------------- I love you, my pen. You are inkredible.
---------------- Velcros are just a big rip-off
----------------- Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side
------------- I just stepped on some Cheerios on the floor. I'm a cereal killer now!
---------------- Have you heard about the fire in the shoe factory? Hundreds of soles were lost!
--------- Some people are always in a hurry: The Rushians
------------ If you've spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?
---------- He was killed by a wild pig. He was boared to death.
---------------- Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.
--------------- Most people have 32 teeth. Some just have 12. Simple meth.
---------------- If I had to choose between marrying and chewing a gum, I think I'd rather chew the gum. Don't see the point in marrying it.
------------ Grandpa's last words before he kicked the bucket: "How far do you think can I kick this bucket?"
------------ I'm a family type. What I mean, I eat roughly the same amount as an average family.
--------------- I went to a really interesting lecture on kleptomania. I took a lot from it.
------------ I should have been more suspicious when the Chinese guy offered to "Wok my dog"
--------- "Help! Save me!" — "Do you prefer as .doc or .pdf?"
------------ It's so frustrating when a cliffhanger
------------- A skeleton wanted to go to the toilet. But he didn't have the guts.
---------- I threw away my can opener.
It was more like a can't opener.
---------------- "Where were you born?" — "In the United States of America!" — "Cool, and which part?" — "My entire body"
------------- Problems sleeping? Cut the legs of your bed. You'll sleep deeper.
----------------- I googled "How to start a wildfire". I got over a million matches.
----------------- Aim for the stars! (But take care of the bodyguards first.)
---------------- I'm giving away my broken marionettes. No strings attached.
--------- What do you call somebody who keeps abandoning their diet plans? A desserter.
-------------- I owe a lot to sidewalks. They've been keeping me off the streets for years.
--------------- First I lost my case. Then I sued the airline.
---------- Two walls meet at the corner
----------- Cops arrested two kids, one for eating batteries, the other for eating fireworks. One was charged, the other case blew up.
------------ Your car looks tired
---------- "Dr Johnson was born in Austra..." — "Wait, he was already a Doctor when he was born???"
-------------- When your laptop overheats, it freezes
---------- Learning lock picking opened many doors for me
------------- Tomorrow I will
read "lead"
Yesterday I've
read "lead"
----------- When kids play with Walkie-Talkies, they turn into Runnie-Yellies
--------------- Do you know what DNA stands for?
National Dyslexic Association
------------- They say beggars can't be choosers. But I beg to differ.
-------------- No login needed. You shall not password.
----------- I don't have any kids but I like making dad jokes. I'm a faux pa.
---------------- The farmer's tractor ran out of gas. He was an outstanding farmer in his field.
----------------- That's punny!
------------- I prefer my puns intended
----------- If you replace WE with I in "wellness" , you get "illness"
----------- "So weird" sounds so weird
----------- 0 days without sAcasrm
------------ Where do you put a piece of paper that you don't want to get folded?
Into a folder
----------- By the way, veterinarian is not an abbreviation for a veteran vegetarian.
------------ etc = out of examples
----------- No, PhD does not stand for "Passed highschool with difficulty"
------------ Rare steaks are actually quite common
-------------- In a haunted castle a friendly ghost appears and poses for a snapshot. Unfortunately all photos turn out too dark. Moral to the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.
---------------- He died in the living room
---------- I knew a German barber once. His name was Herr Katt.
-------------- Reading a book on the history of glue. I can't put it down.
--------- What did the smoker say to the cigarette? "It's a match."
--------------- If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms there would be mass confusion
------------- Sweet dreams are grate of cheese
Who am I to diss a Brie
I Cheddar the world and the Feta cheese
Every Gouda is looking so tempting
------------ I love you from my head tomatoes
---------------- "Bro, do you want this pamphlet?" — "Brochure"
------------- Here's your dead battery free of charge
------------ This is how eye roll
--------------- Russian dolls are so full of themselves
------------- What do you call an exploding monkey? A baboom.
---------- Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
------------ Fury, the dwarf, was a little upset
----------- Soap opera: When you sing in the shower and get some some shampoo in your mouth
-------------- I love earth's rotation. It really makes my day.
----------------- How does NASA go to Mars? They planet.
--------- Camping is intense
---------- Dyslexics of the world: UNTIE!
------------ A dyslexic walks into a bra. He gets slapped in the cafe.
----------------- You need flower and ax to make puncakes
---------- There was a mystic who ate very little and thus was frail and had a bad breath. He also walked barefoot a lot. He was a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
--------------- There were two identical twins: Juan and Ahmal. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.
---------- Went to a seafood disco last week. Pulled a mussel.
---------- Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before
---------------- Two antennas got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was outstanding.
--------------- Says one atom to the other: "I've lost my electron" — "Are you sure?" — "Yes, I'm positive"
--------------- When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
----------- In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
--------- The midget fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
-------------- Sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center: "Keep off the Grass"
-------------- Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
----------------- A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
-------------- The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference
---------------- The cross-eyed teacher couldn't control her pupils
------------- I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, then it dawned on me
--------- I changed my tablet's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
-------------- I worked at a bank once, but then I lost interest
--------- I don't juggle. I don't have the balls to do it.
----------- Relief map: Shows where the restrooms are.
------------ My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.
------------ It's a very lengthy article on ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.
--------- What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.
--------- They aren't making yardsticks any longer
----------- I used to have a fear of hurdles but I got over it
----------------- Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
-------------- I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
------------ A man tried at assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
------------- Eating a clock is very time‑consuming
---------------- I wasn't going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind
---------- The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless
-------------- The meaning of opaque is unclear
------------- Broken pencils are pointless
-------------- Tried to tell puns to make them laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
-------------- I know a Polish sound technician. And a Czech one, too. Czech one, too. Czech one, too.
------------ We have a dwarf shortage
--------- Wanna hear a joke about construction? Nevermind, I'm still working on it.
-------------- I know it's cheesy but it's grate
-------------- Well, well, well... that's where you get water
------------- "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" — "Yes sir, it's fresh ground"
----------------- Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner
---------- I refused to believe that my father, a road worker, was a thief. But when I came home, all the signs were there.
----------- Cigarettes can harm passive smokers. Fair enough, use ashtrays.
-------------- Instead of "the John" I call my toilet "the Jim". People are impressed when I say "The first thing I do in the morning is going to the Jim"
--------- "How's living in North Korea?" — "Can't complain"
----------------- When you change the bag of your vacuum you become the vacuum cleaner
----------- We need more nouns! At Ur At EDF At!
We need mo nouns! At, U Rated F, At!
We need monouns! A‑TUR‑A T‑EDFA‑T!
We need mono‑unsaturated fat!
---------------- He is the very pineapple of politeness
---------- I replaced the bed with a trampoline. When my wife found out, she hit the roof.
----------------- I make bad chemistry jokes because the good ones Argon.
-------------- The best thing about Switzerland? Don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
-------------- Why isn't snot pink? Because 's not.
---------- What happens in vagueness stays in vagueness
--------- Why did the Martian throw beef on the asteroid? He wanted it a little meaty-or.
---------------- Today I had to buy a new keyboard because last night I lost Ctrl.
--------- "Etc" = "End of thinking capacity"
----------------- Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn't peeling well.
--------- Why were they called The Dark Ages? Because they had so many knights.
----------------- What's the difference between a good poker hand and a vegetable garden? One you read 'em and weep, the other you weed 'em and reap.
------------ What did the sick foot say to the healthy foot? "I need a pedi-cure"
------------- "Have you met my vegetarian girlfriend?" — "No, I've never met herbivore"
------------ Five minutes before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.
----------- I design chairs for waiting rooms. I'm the chair man of the bored.
---------------- To err is human. To arr is pirate.
------------ I just joined a gym for religious minorities. Jehova's Fitness.
------------- Why didn't the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.
--------- What did one wall say to another wall? I'll meet you at the corner.
--------- "See that place over there?" (points to cemetery) — "What about it, Dad?" — "People are just dying to get in there"
--------- What time did the man go to the dentist? 2:30 (tooth hurty).
----------------- What did the chess player say to his waiter after eating his meal? Checkmate (cheque, mate).
--------- How did the toast get into the zoo cage? It was bread in captivity.
----------- That's irrelephant. That's unrelated to elephants.
--------------- "You know what sucks?" — "Vacuum cleaners" — "No, I mean in a metaphorical sense" — "Black holes"
---------- RIP hot water. You will be mist.
------------- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion
-------------- Sorry if I sound French. It's not on purpoise.
---------------- A pessimist's blood type is B‑negative
------------ Once you've seen a shopping center, you've seen a mall.
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