Puns and Wordplay

What did the fish say when it swam into the wall? "Dam!"
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"Does your dog bite?"  "No"  "So how do you feed it?"

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Many chemicals love alcohol. Because alcohol is a solution.

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I think I caught some vegans in my basement. All day long they keep shouting "Lettuce leaf! Lettuce leaf!"

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I have the memory of an elephant. I very clearly remember seeing an elephant in a zoo once.

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Bought a broken TV for only $4.50, but the volume is stuck on maximum! It was an offer I simply couldn't turn down.

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Shoe repair shop:

WE WILL HEEL YOU
WE WILL SAVE YOUR SOLE
WE WILL EVEN DYE FOR YOU

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Cremation. My final hope for a smokin' hot body!

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The most blessed people are those who sneeze the most

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"Why is there music coming out of your printer?"  "That's the paper jamming again"

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I'm rich but lonely. So I bought shares to have some company.

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Toilet paper plays an important role in my life

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I love you, my pen. You are inkredible.

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Velcros are just a big rip-off

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Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side

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I just stepped on some Cheerios on the floor. I'm a cereal killer now!

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Have you heard about the fire in the shoe factory? Hundreds of soles were lost!

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Some people are always in a hurry: The Rushians

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If you've spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?

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He was killed by a wild pig. He was boared to death.

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Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.

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Most people have 32 teeth. Some just have 12. Simple meth.

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If I had to choose between marrying and chewing a gum, I think I'd rather chew the gum. Don't see the point in marrying it.

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Grandpa's last words before he kicked the bucket: "How far do you think can I kick this bucket?"

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I'm a family type. What I mean, I eat roughly the same amount as an average family.

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I went to a really interesting lecture on kleptomania. I took a lot from it.

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I should have been more suspicious when the Chinese guy offered to "Wok my dog"

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"Help! Save me!"  "Do you prefer as .doc or .pdf?"

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It's so frustrating when a cliffhanger

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A skeleton wanted to go to the toilet. But he didn't have the guts.

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I threw away my can opener.
It was more like a can't opener.

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"Where were you born?"  "In the United States of America!"  "Cool, and which part?"  "My entire body"

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Problems sleeping? Cut the legs of your bed. You'll sleep deeper.

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I googled "How to start a wildfire". I got over a million matches.

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Aim for the stars! (But take care of the bodyguards first.)

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I'm giving away my broken marionettes. No strings attached.

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What do you call somebody who keeps abandoning their diet plans? A desserter.

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I owe a lot to sidewalks. They've been keeping me off the streets for years.

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First I lost my case. Then I sued the airline.

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Two walls meet at the corner

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Cops arrested two kids, one for eating batteries, the other for eating fireworks. One was charged, the other case blew up.

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Your car looks tired

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"Dr Johnson was born in Austra..."  "Wait, he was already a Doctor when he was born???"

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When your laptop overheats, it freezes

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Learning lock picking opened many doors for me

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Tomorrow I will
read "lead"

Yesterday I've
read "lead"

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When kids play with Walkie-Talkies, they turn into Runnie-Yellies

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Do you know what DNA stands for?
National Dyslexic Association

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They say beggars can't be choosers. But I beg to differ.

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No login needed. You shall not password.

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I don't have any kids but I like making dad jokes. I'm a faux pa.

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The farmer's tractor ran out of gas. He was an outstanding farmer in his field.

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That's punny!

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I prefer my puns intended

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If you replace WE with I in "wellness" , you get "illness"

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"So weird" sounds so weird

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0 days without sAcasrm

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Where do you put a piece of paper that you don't want to get folded?

Into a folder

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By the way, veterinarian is not an abbreviation for a veteran vegetarian.

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etc = out of examples

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No, PhD does not stand for "Passed highschool with difficulty"

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Rare steaks are actually quite common

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In a haunted castle a friendly ghost appears and poses for a snapshot. Unfortunately all photos turn out too dark. Moral to the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.

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He died in the living room

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I knew a German barber once. His name was Herr Katt.

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Reading a book on the history of glue. I can't put it down.

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What did the smoker say to the cigarette? "It's a match."

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If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms there would be mass confusion

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Sweet dreams are grate of cheese
Who am I to diss a Brie
I Cheddar the world and the Feta cheese
Every Gouda is looking so tempting

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I love you from my head tomatoes

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"Bro, do you want this pamphlet?"  "Brochure"

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Here's your dead battery free of charge

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This is how eye roll

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Russian dolls are so full of themselves

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What do you call an exploding monkey? A baboom.

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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.

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Fury, the dwarf, was a little upset

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Soap opera: When you sing in the shower and get some some shampoo in your mouth

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I love earth's rotation. It really makes my day.

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How does NASA go to Mars? They planet.

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Camping is intense

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Dyslexics of the world: UNTIE!

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A dyslexic walks into a bra. He gets slapped in the cafe.

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That's waeird

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You need flower and ax to make puncakes

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There was a mystic who ate very little and thus was frail and had a bad breath. He also walked barefoot a lot. He was a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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There were two identical twins: Juan and Ahmal. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.

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Went to a seafood disco last week. Pulled a mussel.

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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before

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Two antennas got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was outstanding.

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Says one atom to the other: "I've lost my electron"  "Are you sure?"  "Yes, I'm positive"

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When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

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In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

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The midget fortune­teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

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Sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center: "Keep off the Grass"

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Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

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A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

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The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference

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The cross-eyed teacher couldn't control her pupils

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I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, then it dawned on me

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I changed my tablet's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

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I worked at a bank once, but then I lost interest

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I don't juggle. I don't have the balls to do it.

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Relief map: Shows where the restrooms are.

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My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.

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It's a very lengthy article on ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.

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What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.

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They aren't making yardsticks any longer

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I used to have a fear of hurdles but I got over it

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Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.

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I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

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A man tried at assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!

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Eating a clock is very time‑consuming

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I wasn't going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind

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The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless

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The meaning of opaque is unclear

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Broken pencils are pointless

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Tried to tell puns to make them laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

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I know a Polish sound technician. And a Czech one, too. Czech one, too. Czech one, too.

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We have a dwarf shortage

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Wanna hear a joke about construction? Nevermind, I'm still working on it.

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I know it's cheesy but it's grate

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Well, well, well... that's where you get water

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"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!"  "Yes sir, it's fresh ground"

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Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner

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I refused to believe that my father, a road worker, was a thief. But when I came home, all the signs were there.

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Cigarettes can harm passive smokers. Fair enough, use ashtrays.

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Instead of "the John" I call my toilet "the Jim". People are impressed when I say "The first thing I do in the morning is going to the Jim"

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"How's living in North Korea?"  "Can't complain"

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When you change the bag of your vacuum you become the vacuum cleaner

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We need more nouns! At Ur At EDF At!
We need mo nouns! At, U Rated F, At!
We need monouns! A‑TUR‑A T‑EDFA‑T!
We need mono‑unsaturated fat!

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He is the very pineapple of politeness

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I replaced the bed with a trampoline. When my wife found out, she hit the roof.

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I make bad chemistry jokes because the good ones Argon.

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The best thing about Switzerland? Don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

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Why isn't snot pink? Because 's not.

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What happens in vagueness stays in vagueness

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Why did the Martian throw beef on the asteroid? He wanted it a little meaty-or.

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Today I had to buy a new keyboard because last night I lost Ctrl.

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"Etc" = "End of thinking capacity"

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Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn't peeling well.

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Why were they called The Dark Ages? Because they had so many knights.

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What's the difference between a good poker hand and a vegetable garden? One you read 'em and weep, the other you weed 'em and reap.

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What did the sick foot say to the healthy foot? "I need a pedi-cure"

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"Have you met my vegetarian girlfriend?"  "No, I've never met herbivore"

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Five minutes before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.

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I design chairs for waiting rooms. I'm the chair man of the bored.

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To err is human. To arr is pirate.

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I just joined a gym for religious minorities. Jehova's Fitness.

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Why didn't the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.

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What did one wall say to another wall? I'll meet you at the corner.

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"See that place over there?" (points to cemetery)  "What about it, Dad?"  "People are just dying to get in there"

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What time did the man go to the dentist? 2:30 (tooth hurty).

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What did the chess player say to his waiter after eating his meal? Checkmate (cheque, mate).

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How did the toast get into the zoo cage? It was bread in captivity.

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That's irrelephant. That's unrelated to elephants.

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"You know what sucks?"  "Vacuum cleaners"  "No, I mean in a metaphorical sense"  "Black holes"

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RIP hot water. You will be mist.

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A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

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Sorry if I sound French. It's not on purpoise.

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A pessimist's blood type is B‑negative

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Once you've seen a shopping center, you've seen a mall.

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Egoism: An I for an I

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It doesn't matter how loud you are, Niki is Lauda