Who thought he'd found magical potion
He took a big drink
And started to think
It tasted like suntan lotion
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Whose Limericks end at line two
-------------
Who was born on the day of his birth
He married, they say
On his wife's wedding day
And died when he quitted the earth
----------------
Whose limericks weren't worth a penny
Her technique was sound
But she always found
That when she tried to write any
She'd end up with one line too many
----------
who was questioned on Descartes and said:
"It's perfectly clear
that I'm not really here,
for I haven't a thought in my head."
---------
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor:
"Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?"
----------------
Who caught the bus for Ealing.
It said on the door:
"Don't spit on the floor!"
So he jumped up and spat on the ceiling
-----------------
He had learned how to fly like a bird;
Cheered by thousands of people,
He leapt from the steeple,
This tomb states the date it occurred.
--------------
Who remarked to her spouse, "What a pigua"
He replied, "Oh my queen,
is it manners you mean,
or do you refer to my figua?"
-----------
And learned a new, awesome dance.
First I twirled,
Then I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
----------------
Retired from his business becoz
Due to up‑to‑date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
----------
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
-----------
Who said, It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!
---------------
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
-----------------
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
---------
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven't a clue,
I'm 2 Down to put 1 Across.
---------------
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
----------
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I've a gun, on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
-------------
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I'm sure that the rumor,
That they've no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
----------
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
----------
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
--------------
Who dreamt he's eating his shoe.
He woke in the night,
With a terrible fright,
And found it was perfectly true.
----------------
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
-----------
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
------------
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
--------------
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
-------------
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
----------------
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
--------------
Who had triplets: Nan, Pat, and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding,
but hell in the feeding,
as she found she had no tit for Tat.
---------------
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
-----------
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
-----------------
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now, oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
---------------
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he's facing.
-------------
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
-----------------
Who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
------------
There are others much prettier by far.
But my face, I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
---------
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench, well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
-----------------
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal workings.
-----------------
But found that she wasn't so fond
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
---------------
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
-----------------
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
---------------
Who ate many apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
----------
Who was so excessively thin,
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
----------
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
----------
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
-------------
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
------------
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
----------------
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and *SPLAT*
-----------------
