Funny English Limericks

An ambitious young fellow named Matt, Tried to parachute using his hat. Folks below looked so small, As he started to fall, Then got bigger and bigger and *SPLAT*
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There once lived a boy near the ocean
Who thought he'd found magical potion
He took a big drink
And started to think
It tasted like suntan lotion

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There was an old man from Peru
Whose Limericks end at line two

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There was a young fellow of Perth
Who was born on the day of his birth
He married, they say
On his wife's wedding day
And died when he quitted the earth

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There was a young lady called Jenny
Whose limericks weren't worth a penny
Her technique was sound
But she always found
That when she tried to write any
She'd end up with one line too many

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There was a young student called Fred
who was questioned on Descartes and said:
"It's perfectly clear
that I'm not really here,
for I haven't a thought in my head."

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A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor:
"Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?"

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There was a young man from Dealing
Who caught the bus for Ealing.
It said on the door:
"Don't spit on the floor!"
So he jumped up and spat on the ceiling

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There was an old man who averred,
He had learned how to fly like a bird;
Cheered by thousands of people,
He leapt from the steeple,
This tomb states the date it occurred.

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There was a young wife of Antigua,
Who remarked to her spouse, "What a pigua"
He replied, "Oh my queen,
is it manners you mean,
or do you refer to my figua?"

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Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
First I twirled,
Then I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.

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The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz
Due to up‑to‑date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.

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Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.

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There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!

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There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.

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There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.

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A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven't a clue,
I'm 2 Down to put 1 Across.

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I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.

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An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I've a gun, on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.

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If you're lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I'm sure that the rumor,
That they've no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.

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There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.

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My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.

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There was an old man of Peru,
Who dreamt he's eating his shoe.
He woke in the night,
With a terrible fright,
And found it was perfectly true.

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A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.

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There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.

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There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

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An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

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A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.

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There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?

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There was a young girl from Rabat
Who had triplets: Nan, Pat, and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding,
but hell in the feeding,
as she found she had no tit for Tat.

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I've done it, I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.

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There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.

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I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now, oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.

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There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he's facing.

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A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.

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There once was a girl called Jane,
Who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.

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As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much prettier by far.
But my face, I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.

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A painter, who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench, well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.

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There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal workings.

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I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.

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One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

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I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!

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There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.

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There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin,
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.

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There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.

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My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.

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There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

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There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.

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An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and *SPLAT*

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