Chuck Norris Jokes (Facts)

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
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Chuck Norris doesn't use sunscreen. If he's had enough tan, he just looks at the sun and says "No!"

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Contrary to legends Chuck Norris does indeed use a double in his movies. But only for scenes where he's supposed to cry.

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Crop circles aren't created by aliens. They are places where Chuck Norris was practicing his roundhouse kicks.

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Somebody asked Chuck Norris to stop giving roundhouse kicks to people all the time. Historians now agree that this was one of the biggest mistakes ever made.

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Chuck Norris worked as a terrorist negotiator once. His job was simply to call the terrorist and say "This is Chuck Norris".

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Fear of Friday 13th is called Paraskevidekatria­phobia. Fear of dancing is called Chorophobia. Fear of Chuck Norris is called common sense.

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Chuck Norris eats his birthday cake with the stripper still inside.

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Chuck Norris can take a screenshot of his blue screen.

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Ckuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet... he scares the sh*t out of it.

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Chuck Norris went skydiving and his parachute failed to open, so he took it back the next day for a refund.

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Chuck Norris can make scissors beat rock

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When the President pushes the big red button, Chuck Norris' cell phone rings.

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Some magicans can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.

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Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

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Chuck Norris can fold airplanes into paper.

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Chuck Norris can grant you a wish.. if your wish is dying.

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Chuck Norris wears sunglasses so that his eyes won't hurt the sun.

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Chuck Norris doesn't breathe air. He holds air hostage.

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Fear of spiders is called Arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called Claustrophobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic.

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When Chuck Norris swims in the ocean, the sharks are in a steel cage.

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When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.

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Chuck Norris is currently suing the Department of Justice, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs

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Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong phone.

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Chuck Norris can follow you into a revolving door and come out ahead of you.

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In an average living room there are 59 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you... including the room itself.

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The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

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There are 237 different ways how Chuck Norris can kill you with a roll of extra-soft toilet paper.

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The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris can order a pizza in Burger King and get it.

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Tsunamis are created by Chuck Norris practicing round house kicks on the beach.

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Chuck Norris recorded the making of the first video camera.

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Chuck Norris doesn't lie. He simply changes the truth.

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Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in concrete.

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Obama said, "Yes we can", Chuck Norris says, "I already did"

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Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.

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Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

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Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

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Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

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Chuck Norris won the Tour De France on a stationary bike.

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Chuck Norris won a tennis match against a wall.

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Chuck Norris got a homerun... in bowling

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Lol, you idiots are so afraid of Chuck Norris. If your Chucky really existed, he would stand behind me right now and would smash my head against my keyb34t89j93 fh3of j9f83h4f983h9f 3o4fij0g8vh0wo4n v349fc8j398f

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There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard... just another fist.

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Favorite tune of Chuck Norris: "I shot the sheriff, and I roundhouse kicked the deputy"

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CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

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Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill

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A handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually a warning that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and what will happen to you should you park there.

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Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell Was That?"

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There are 394 methods how Chuck Norris can kill you... with a soap bubble

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Each of Chuck Norris blood cells has a black belt.

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If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google, it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply says "Run while you still have the chance"

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Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

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Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

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When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris cuts a knife with butter.

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Chuck Norris leaves a messages before the beep.

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While learning CPR Chuck Norris actually brought the practice dummy to life.

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Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

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If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says it's beef, then it's beef.

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Chuck Norris doesn't play hide-and-seek. He plays hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you.

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Death once had a near‑Chuck experience.

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Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

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Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take sh*t from anyone.

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Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

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Chuck Norris' blood type is AK‑47.

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Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.

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Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9% of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100% of whatever the hell he wants.

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Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

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Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around, waiting for the wheel to stop.

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Chuck Norris once fought Superman. The loser has to wear his underwear over his pants ever since.

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Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. Nobody fools Chuck Norris.

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Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

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There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

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Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.

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M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

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Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

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When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

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When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

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The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.

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Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

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Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

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Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people once. Then it exploded.

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Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

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Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.

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Chuck Norris' computer has no backspace button. Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

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Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

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Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

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Chuck Norris once went to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life.

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Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. No heart is foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

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When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

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Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

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Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.

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Chuck Norris makes fire by rubbing 2 ice cubes together.

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Chuck Norris' tears could cure cancer. But Chuck Norris never cries.

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When Chuck Norris walks across a meadow, he doesn't smell the flowers. The flowers smell him.

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Chuck Norris once got his arm stuck in a canyon. After 5 days of pain and agony, Chuck Norris had to amputate the canyon.

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When Chuck Norris does a push up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

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What should every sports player say after winning? "First of all, I would like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing"

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Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra and after five days of excruciating pain... the cobra died.

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Chuck Norris can pick figs from an apple tree and make the best lemonade you've ever tasted.

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When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital and taught his father how to shave.

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Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

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Chuck Norris' vehicles don't run on gas. They run on fear.

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