Short and clean jokes

I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want
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A local barber was arrested for drug possession in my town. I was shocked because I had been his customer for years and never knew he was a barber.

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"How's your dissertation on procrastination going?"  "Ask me in 12 years"

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The mathematician plotted his past relations on the "ex" and "why" axis

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I'm smart. I have a smartphone.

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Great news! My IQ test came back negative!

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Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand

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When in doubt, reboot!

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The first step to losing weight is gaining it

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Wife: "What if crazy people who hear voices aren't really crazy. Just tuned into a different dimension that us NORMALS can't hear?"  Husband: "Huh? What?"  Wife: "Maybe the crazy aren't crazy. They're just in contact with a parallel dimension."

*Husband slowly walks away*

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As I approach 80, many people comment online how young I look for my age. What is my secret? Diet? Excercise? No, old photos.

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We asked 100 people what shampoos they prefer. All answered: "Get out of my bathroom!"

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Introvert mosquitos spray themselved with repellant

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"In your resume you write you're a skilled ghost hunter"  "Indeed"  "But there aren't any ghosts in our company"  "You're welcome"

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"Describe yourself in one word"  "I always pay attention"

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"How would you like your steak cooked, sir?"  "Like a long deep sleep"  "Rare it is then"

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A keyring is a device that allows you to lose all your keys at once

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Dying is a great way to get people to like you

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A paper cut is a tree's last revenge

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I wonder what my dog named me?

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As responsible as taking candy from a baby

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According to scientists, 3.82 days later no one cares either way

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In our marriage workshop you learn that one partner needs to work so the other can shop

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I think, therefore I am wrong here

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Appetizer: Wine
Entrée: Rum
Main course: Beer
Dessert: Vodka

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What's big and brown and behind the wall? Humpty's Dump.

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I yelled at the cop. Then he made me realize that he was a better man than I was.

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Scientists have discovered that people will believe anything if you claim that scientists have discovered it.

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"Buffet" is French for "get it yourself"

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When you kiss, your mouth becomes the face to face interface

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An apple a day
keeps the doctor away.
An onion a day
keeps the girlfriend away.

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If you can't login, you're not a user, you're a luser

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Cheapest way to withdraw money? Gunpoint.

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Welcome to exactly where you don't want to be

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Anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, anyone going faster is a maniac

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Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town

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Your an retart

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Satan: "Hahaha!"  God: "Get out!"

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A theory is a very dangerous thing to have

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In space we thrust

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The Flat Earth Society has members all around the globe

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We are just hamsters in this terrible experiment

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Been there
Done that
Got the T‑shirt

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Professor: "Which book has helped you the most?"  Student: "My father's checkbook"

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So I wanted to go to the gym. But then I decided to go to Jim's.

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Plastic is made out of oil. Oil is made out of the remnants of prehistoric plants and dinosaurs. Plastic dinosaurs are therfore made out of real dinosaurs.

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As battery life decreases, anxiety increases

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Walking at 3mph is calming and enjoyable. Driving a car at 3mph is upsetting and frustrating.

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Fun fact: You can hold your breath underwater until the end of your life

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My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

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I won the award for laziness. I sent somebody to pick it up for me.

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When I said that I cleaned my room, I meant I made a path from the door to my bed

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We have a dwarf shortage

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They hated each other. But the language barrier prevented effective insulting.

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I am shock and confuse

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It's wine o'clock

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Her Majesty requested the highest of fives

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Things that I hate:
  • lists
  • irony
  • lists
  • repetition
  • inconsistency


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I am confuse

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Time is money. ATMs are time machines.

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From the devil's profile page: "Hi, I'm Satan. I'm funny as hell."

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YOLO: You only live online

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If you step on someone's foot, they open their mouth, just like trashcans

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I'm overweight because of my metabolism and my cheesecake

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Pros and Cons of making food:
Pro: Food
Con: Making

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Neil Armstrong: "Houston, we have a problem. Buzz Aldrin has brought a grenade onboard."

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Get one for the price of two! And get the second one free!!

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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kathrin.

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"ERROR: You need to be logged in to log out. Please log in to log out."

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On Youtube: "We gonna crush this item with a hydraulic press"  Item gets crushed  "I can't believe it!"

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I'm too phoned to stone home

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I can haz CAPS

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I don't cair

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I'm a weirdo, but if I'm accepted by other weirdos, am I still a weirdo?

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*Asks a stranger on on the street* "Hey, do you know how to meditate?"  "Huh? Erm, no."  "Google it!"

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9/11 was an inside job
7/11 was a part time job

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Welcome to the math-no-longer-applies zone

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Space minister: "We intend to land a man on the sun"  "Wait, the sun's surface is extremely hot. How do you plan to do it?"  "We will do it at night!"

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hOW CAN i DISABLE cAPSLOCK?

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Mafioso: "Wanna hear a YLYD joke? You laugh, you die"

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I'm Livin' La Vida Broka!

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Two mice chewing on a film roll. One goes: "I think the book was better"

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What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.

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My boss told me I intimidate my colleages. So I stared at him until he apologized.

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Some people just have a way with words. Other people... erm... not have... way.

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Haven't talked to my wife in 3 weeks. Didn't want to interrupt her.

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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

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I didn't mean to gain weight. It happened by snaccident.

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I'm not crazy, I take my pills everyday!

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Build a man a fire, and you warm him for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

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We want to be the first in space
which is a place
where nothing's there in the first place

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function isMyWifeRight($herStatement) {
return TRUE; // duh
}

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// Life motto
if (lemons == TRUE)
makeLemonade();

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I'm like: "Oh, please please please! Pretty pleeeease!" And life's like: "Nope."

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Opera is the only place where a guy gets stabbed and instead of bleeding, he sings

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If you park, don't drink! Accidents cause people!

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I am knolegeble and intellygnet

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First I was like "Whatever, you idiots". But then the idiots whatevered.

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Awesome ends with "me". Snafu ends with "u".

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I feel I'm already tired tomorrow

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Peter Panhood: Steals money from pirates

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No coffee
No workee

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I just read a study that says smoking weed causes short term memory loss. Next thing you know someone will make a study that says smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

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They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

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I don't get drunk. I get WOW!

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Sometimes I think I'm too picky. But then I watch my dog searching for a place to poop.

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Geek: "May the Force be with you!"  Nerd: "May the Force be equal to the Mass multiplied by Acceleration!"

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I wish common sense were more common

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I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making some more

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"You don't want to cancel, do you?" [YES] [NO] [CANCEL]

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"Do you want to cancel?" [YES] [NO] [CANCEL]

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Which song of Michael Jackson do you prefer?
A. BC
B. AD

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O God, if there is a God, save my soul, if I have a soul.

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I always find things in the last place I look. Because I stop looking after I find them.

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Be the person your dog thinks you are

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You can carry a rabbit's foot for luck, but remember: It didn't work out for the rabbit

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If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done

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At the end of the day life should ask: "Do you want to save the changes?"

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Money talks. Its favorite word is "Goodbye!"

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Sometimes your mouth is like a zipper. By the time you realize it's open, it has already embarrassed you .

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Some people have Aha! moments. I have Oh Sh*t moments.

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Don't worry if your parachute fails to deploy... You have the rest of your life to fix it.

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Saying "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" are the same things. Except at a funeral.

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"And if you sign up for our Platinum Star membership level, we stop pestering you to sign up for our Platinum Star membership level."

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If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need. Not all this "How did you get in my house?" business.

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How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

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Scientists have discovered exactly how much sleep an average person needs. Just 5 minutes more.

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I know that there are people who don't love their fellow man. I hate those people.

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Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

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I hate peer pressure and you should too.

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I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious

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Scientists have now discovered, the thicker your thighs, the more snacks you can lay on your lap.

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iPhone chargers, or as I call them: Apple Juice.

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Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear brighter until they speak

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Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment

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How many programmers does it need to change a bulb?
Zero. It's a hardware problem.

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I've got some reliable inside information about Apple's next product. I won't be able to afford it.

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Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

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Don't be gentle,
It's a rental.
—Old Finnish proverb

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He was like "Wow, dude, wow" and I was like "What does wow even mean, dude?" You know what I mean?

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Pilot: "The good news first. Today we're going to be on TV."

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Cop: "I smell marijuana in your car"  Driver: "He who smelt it, dealt it"  Cop: "Gosh, dang it"  Driver: "You're under arrest, officer!"

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Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

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No + £££ = YES

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No + $$$ = YES

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Ravioli. Also known as pregnant stamps.

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Sitcom. One sits, one comes.

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Between two evils I pick the one I didn't try before.

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I bought one of those DVDs to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the DVD skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.

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It's meme, my selfie and Iphone