Short and clean jokes

I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want
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My level of cooking expertise? I use the smoke alarm as timer.

My level of cooking expertise? I use the smoke alarm as timer.
My level of cooking expertise? I use the smoke alarm as timer.
My level of cooking expertise? I use the smoke alarm as timer.
My level of cooking expertise? I use the smoke alarm as timer.
My level of cooking expertise? I use the smoke alarm as timer.
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Wanted to buy a jeans. Unfortunately none did fit. So I bought a double cream cheesecake. That did fit.

Wanted to buy a jeans. Unfortunately none did fit. So I bought a double cream cheesecake. That did fit.
Wanted to buy a jeans. Unfortunately none did fit. So I bought a double cream cheesecake. That did fit.
Wanted to buy a jeans. Unfortunately none did fit. So I bought a double cream cheesecake. That did fit.
Wanted to buy a jeans. Unfortunately none did fit. So I bought a double cream cheesecake. That did fit.
Wanted to buy a jeans. Unfortunately none did fit. So I bought a double cream cheesecake. That did fit.
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If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It's always like *bam* there's a snail.

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It's always like *bam* there's a snail.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It's always like *bam* there's a snail.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It's always like *bam* there's a snail.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It's always like *bam* there's a snail.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It's always like *bam* there's a snail.
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What do you get when you cross a chicken and a pit bull? Just the pit bull.

What do you get when you cross a chicken and a pit bull? Just the pit bull.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a pit bull? Just the pit bull.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a pit bull? Just the pit bull.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a pit bull? Just the pit bull.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a pit bull? Just the pit bull.
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Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake

Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake
Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake
Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake
Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake
Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake
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You know you're getting old when you're still chasing women.. but only downhill

You know you're getting old when you're still chasing women.. but only downhill
You know you're getting old when you're still chasing women.. but only downhill
You know you're getting old when you're still chasing women.. but only downhill
You know you're getting old when you're still chasing women.. but only downhill
You know you're getting old when you're still chasing women.. but only downhill
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"Doctor, the strengthening pills you prescribed me yesterday.." — "Yes, what's the matter?" — "I can't open the bottle."

"Doctor, the strengthening pills you prescribed me yesterday.." —"Yes, what's the matter?" —"I can't open the bottle."
"Doctor, the strengthening pills you prescribed me yesterday.." —"Yes, what's the matter?" —"I can't open the bottle."
"Doctor, the strengthening pills you prescribed me yesterday.." —"Yes, what's the matter?" —"I can't open the bottle."
"Doctor, the strengthening pills you prescribed me yesterday.." —"Yes, what's the matter?" —"I can't open the bottle."
"Doctor, the strengthening pills you prescribed me yesterday.." —"Yes, what's the matter?" —"I can't open the bottle."
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Never forget, you're unique. Like everybody else.

Never forget, you're unique. Like everybody else.
Never forget, you're unique. Like everybody else.
Never forget, you're unique. Like everybody else.
Never forget, you're unique. Like everybody else.
Never forget, you're unique. Like everybody else.
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You don't get smarter with age. There just aren't so many stupid things left that you're able to do.

You don't get smarter with age. There just aren't so many stupid things left that you're able to do.
You don't get smarter with age. There just aren't so many stupid things left that you're able to do.
You don't get smarter with age. There just aren't so many stupid things left that you're able to do.
You don't get smarter with age. There just aren't so many stupid things left that you're able to do.
You don't get smarter with age. There just aren't so many stupid things left that you're able to do.
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I'm so old, I can laugh, sneeze and pee at the same time

I'm so old, I can laugh, sneeze and pee at the same time
I'm so old, I can laugh, sneeze and pee at the same time
I'm so old, I can laugh, sneeze and pee at the same time
I'm so old, I can laugh, sneeze and pee at the same time
I'm so old, I can laugh, sneeze and pee at the same time
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"Why didn't you get me a present for my birthday?" — "Why? You told me to surprise you."

"Why didn't you get me a present for my birthday?" —"Why? You told me to surprise you."
"Why didn't you get me a present for my birthday?" —"Why? You told me to surprise you."
"Why didn't you get me a present for my birthday?" —"Why? You told me to surprise you."
"Why didn't you get me a present for my birthday?" —"Why? You told me to surprise you."
"Why didn't you get me a present for my birthday?" —"Why? You told me to surprise you."
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"Excuse me, is this tomato genetically modified?" — Store assistant: "Why do you want to know?" — Tomato: "Yeah, why do you want to know?"

"Excuse me, is this tomato genetically modified?" —Store assistant: "Why do you want to know?" —Tomato: "Yeah, why do you want to know?"
"Excuse me, is this tomato genetically modified?" —Store assistant: "Why do you want to know?" —Tomato: "Yeah, why do you want to know?"
"Excuse me, is this tomato genetically modified?" —Store assistant: "Why do you want to know?" —Tomato: "Yeah, why do you want to know?"
"Excuse me, is this tomato genetically modified?" —Store assistant: "Why do you want to know?" —Tomato: "Yeah, why do you want to know?"
"Excuse me, is this tomato genetically modified?" —Store assistant: "Why do you want to know?" —Tomato: "Yeah, why do you want to know?"
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Boomerang — That's when you wanted to say "OK, boomer" but the boomer was quicker and said "Whatever, millenial!"

Boomerang —That's when you wanted to say "OK, boomer" but the boomer was quicker and said "Whatever, millenial!"
Boomerang —That's when you wanted to say "OK, boomer" but the boomer was quicker and said "Whatever, millenial!"
Boomerang —That's when you wanted to say "OK, boomer" but the boomer was quicker and said "Whatever, millenial!"
Boomerang —That's when you wanted to say "OK, boomer" but the boomer was quicker and said "Whatever, millenial!"
Boomerang —That's when you wanted to say "OK, boomer" but the boomer was quicker and said "Whatever, millenial!"
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Life is a free trial. Then you start paying bills and it becomes paid content.

Life is a free trial. Then you start paying bills and it becomes paid content.
Life is a free trial. Then you start paying bills and it becomes paid content.
Life is a free trial. Then you start paying bills and it becomes paid content.
Life is a free trial. Then you start paying bills and it becomes paid content.
Life is a free trial. Then you start paying bills and it becomes paid content.
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A local barber was arrested for drug possession in my town. I was shocked because I had been his customer for years and never knew he was a barber.

A local barber was arrested for drug possession in my town. I was shocked because I had been his customer for years and never knew he was a barber.
A local barber was arrested for drug possession in my town. I was shocked because I had been his customer for years and never knew he was a barber.
A local barber was arrested for drug possession in my town. I was shocked because I had been his customer for years and never knew he was a barber.
A local barber was arrested for drug possession in my town. I was shocked because I had been his customer for years and never knew he was a barber.
A local barber was arrested for drug possession in my town. I was shocked because I had been his customer for years and never knew he was a barber.
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"How's your dissertation on procrastination going?" — "Ask me in 12 years"

"How's your dissertation on procrastination going?" —"Ask me in 12 years"
"How's your dissertation on procrastination going?" —"Ask me in 12 years"
"How's your dissertation on procrastination going?" —"Ask me in 12 years"
"How's your dissertation on procrastination going?" —"Ask me in 12 years"
"How's your dissertation on procrastination going?" —"Ask me in 12 years"
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I'm smart. I have a smartphone.

I'm smart. I have a smartphone.
I'm smart. I have a smartphone.
I'm smart. I have a smartphone.
I'm smart. I have a smartphone.
I'm smart. I have a smartphone.
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Great news! My IQ test came back negative!

Great news! My IQ test came back negative!
Great news! My IQ test came back negative!
Great news! My IQ test came back negative!
Great news! My IQ test came back negative!
Great news! My IQ test came back negative!
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Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand
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As I approach 80, many people comment online how young I look for my age. What is my secret? Diet? Excercise? No, old photos.

As I approach 80, many people comment online how young I look for my age. What is my secret? Diet? Excercise? No, old photos.
As I approach 80, many people comment online how young I look for my age. What is my secret? Diet? Excercise? No, old photos.
As I approach 80, many people comment online how young I look for my age. What is my secret? Diet? Excercise? No, old photos.
As I approach 80, many people comment online how young I look for my age. What is my secret? Diet? Excercise? No, old photos.
As I approach 80, many people comment online how young I look for my age. What is my secret? Diet? Excercise? No, old photos.
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We asked 100 people what shampoos they prefer. All answered: "Get out of my bathroom!"

We asked 100 people what shampoos they prefer. All answered: "Get out of my bathroom!"
We asked 100 people what shampoos they prefer. All answered: "Get out of my bathroom!"
We asked 100 people what shampoos they prefer. All answered: "Get out of my bathroom!"
We asked 100 people what shampoos they prefer. All answered: "Get out of my bathroom!"
We asked 100 people what shampoos they prefer. All answered: "Get out of my bathroom!"
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Introvert mosquitos spray themselved with repellant

Introvert mosquitos spray themselved with repellant
Introvert mosquitos spray themselved with repellant
Introvert mosquitos spray themselved with repellant
Introvert mosquitos spray themselved with repellant
Introvert mosquitos spray themselved with repellant
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"In your resume you write you're a skilled ghost hunter" — "Indeed" — "But there aren't any ghosts in our company" — "You're welcome"

"In your resume you write you're a skilled ghost hunter" —"Indeed" —"But there aren't any ghosts in our company" —"You're welcome"
"In your resume you write you're a skilled ghost hunter" —"Indeed" —"But there aren't any ghosts in our company" —"You're welcome"
"In your resume you write you're a skilled ghost hunter" —"Indeed" —"But there aren't any ghosts in our company" —"You're welcome"
"In your resume you write you're a skilled ghost hunter" —"Indeed" —"But there aren't any ghosts in our company" —"You're welcome"
"In your resume you write you're a skilled ghost hunter" —"Indeed" —"But there aren't any ghosts in our company" —"You're welcome"
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"Describe yourself in one word" — "I always pay attention"

"Describe yourself in one word" —"I always pay attention"
"Describe yourself in one word" —"I always pay attention"
"Describe yourself in one word" —"I always pay attention"
"Describe yourself in one word" —"I always pay attention"
"Describe yourself in one word" —"I always pay attention"
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"How would you like your steak cooked, sir?" — "Like a long deep sleep" — "Rare it is then"

"How would you like your steak cooked, sir?" —"Like a long deep sleep" —"Rare it is then"
"How would you like your steak cooked, sir?" —"Like a long deep sleep" —"Rare it is then"
"How would you like your steak cooked, sir?" —"Like a long deep sleep" —"Rare it is then"
"How would you like your steak cooked, sir?" —"Like a long deep sleep" —"Rare it is then"
"How would you like your steak cooked, sir?" —"Like a long deep sleep" —"Rare it is then"
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A keyring is a device that allows you to lose all your keys at once

A keyring is a device that allows you to lose all your keys at once
A keyring is a device that allows you to lose all your keys at once
A keyring is a device that allows you to lose all your keys at once
A keyring is a device that allows you to lose all your keys at once
A keyring is a device that allows you to lose all your keys at once
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The first step to losing weight is gaining it

The first step to losing weight is gaining it
The first step to losing weight is gaining it
The first step to losing weight is gaining it
The first step to losing weight is gaining it
The first step to losing weight is gaining it
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Wife: "What if crazy people who hear voices aren't really crazy. They're just tuned into a different dimension that us NORMALS can't hear?" — Husband: "Huh? What?" — Wife: "Maybe the crazy aren't crazy. They're just in contact with a parallel dimension."

*Husband slowly walks away*

Wife: "What if crazy people who hear voices aren't really crazy. They're just tuned into a different dimension that us NORMALS can't hear?" —Husband: "Huh? What?" —Wife: "Maybe the crazy aren't crazy. They're just in contact with a parallel dimension." / / *Husband slowly walks away*
Wife: "What if crazy people who hear voices aren't really crazy. They're just tuned into a different dimension that us NORMALS can't hear?" —Husband: "Huh? What?" —Wife: "Maybe the crazy aren't crazy. They're just in contact with a parallel dimension." / / *Husband slowly walks away*
Wife: "What if crazy people who hear voices aren't really crazy. They're just tuned into a different dimension that us NORMALS can't hear?" —Husband: "Huh? What?" —Wife: "Maybe the crazy aren't crazy. They're just in contact with a parallel dimension." / / *Husband slowly walks away*
Wife: "What if crazy people who hear voices aren't really crazy. They're just tuned into a different dimension that us NORMALS can't hear?" —Husband: "Huh? What?" —Wife: "Maybe the crazy aren't crazy. They're just in contact with a parallel dimension." / / *Husband slowly walks away*
Wife: "What if crazy people who hear voices aren't really crazy. They're just tuned into a different dimension that us NORMALS can't hear?" —Husband: "Huh? What?" —Wife: "Maybe the crazy aren't crazy. They're just in contact with a parallel dimension." / / *Husband slowly walks away*
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Dying is a great way to get people to like you

Dying is a great way to get people to like you
Dying is a great way to get people to like you
Dying is a great way to get people to like you
Dying is a great way to get people to like you
Dying is a great way to get people to like you
-----------------
A paper cut is a tree's last revenge

A paper cut is a tree's last revenge
A paper cut is a tree's last revenge
A paper cut is a tree's last revenge
A paper cut is a tree's last revenge
A paper cut is a tree's last revenge
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Appetizer: Wine
Entrée: Rum
Main course: Beer
Dessert: Vodka

Appetizer: Wine / Entree: Rum / Main course: Beer / Dessert: Vodka
Appetizer: Wine / Entree: Rum / Main course: Beer / Dessert: Vodka
Appetizer: Wine / Entree: Rum / Main course: Beer / Dessert: Vodka
Appetizer: Wine / Entree: Rum / Main course: Beer / Dessert: Vodka
Appetizer: Wine / Entree: Rum / Main course: Beer / Dessert: Vodka
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I wonder what my dog named me?

I wonder what my dog named me?
I wonder what my dog named me?
I wonder what my dog named me?
I wonder what my dog named me?
I wonder what my dog named me?
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As responsible as taking candy from a baby

As responsible as taking candy from a baby
As responsible as taking candy from a baby
As responsible as taking candy from a baby
As responsible as taking candy from a baby
As responsible as taking candy from a baby
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In our marriage workshop you learn that one partner needs to work so the other can shop

In our marriage workshop you learn that one partner needs to work so the other can shop
In our marriage workshop you learn that one partner needs to work so the other can shop
In our marriage workshop you learn that one partner needs to work so the other can shop
In our marriage workshop you learn that one partner needs to work so the other can shop
In our marriage workshop you learn that one partner needs to work so the other can shop
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I think, therefore I am wrong here

I think, therefore I am wrong here
I think, therefore I am wrong here
I think, therefore I am wrong here
I think, therefore I am wrong here
I think, therefore I am wrong here
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What's big and brown and behind the wall? Humpty's Dump.

What's big and brown and behind the wall? Humpty's Dump.
What's big and brown and behind the wall? Humpty's Dump.
What's big and brown and behind the wall? Humpty's Dump.
What's big and brown and behind the wall? Humpty's Dump.
What's big and brown and behind the wall? Humpty's Dump.
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"Buffet" is French for "get it yourself"

"Buffet" is French for "get it yourself"
"Buffet" is French for "get it yourself"
"Buffet" is French for "get it yourself"
"Buffet" is French for "get it yourself"
"Buffet" is French for "get it yourself"
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When you kiss,
your mouth becomes the
face to face interface

When you kiss, / your mouth becomes the / face to face interface
When you kiss, / your mouth becomes the / face to face interface
When you kiss, / your mouth becomes the / face to face interface
When you kiss, / your mouth becomes the / face to face interface
When you kiss, / your mouth becomes the / face to face interface
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An apple a day
keeps the doctor away.
An onion a day
keeps the girlfriend away.

An apple a day / keeps the doctor away. / An onion a day / keeps the girlfriend away.
An apple a day / keeps the doctor away. / An onion a day / keeps the girlfriend away.
An apple a day / keeps the doctor away. / An onion a day / keeps the girlfriend away.
An apple a day / keeps the doctor away. / An onion a day / keeps the girlfriend away.
An apple a day / keeps the doctor away. / An onion a day / keeps the girlfriend away.
-----------------
Cheapest way to withdraw money? Gunpoint.

Cheapest way to withdraw money? Gunpoint.
Cheapest way to withdraw money? Gunpoint.
Cheapest way to withdraw money? Gunpoint.
Cheapest way to withdraw money? Gunpoint.
Cheapest way to withdraw money? Gunpoint.
-------------
Welcome to exactly where you don't want to be

Welcome to exactly where you don't want to be
Welcome to exactly where you don't want to be
Welcome to exactly where you don't want to be
Welcome to exactly where you don't want to be
Welcome to exactly where you don't want to be
---------
Anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, anyone going faster is a maniac

Anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, anyone going faster is a maniac
Anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, anyone going faster is a maniac
Anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, anyone going faster is a maniac
Anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, anyone going faster is a maniac
Anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, anyone going faster is a maniac
---------
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town
-----------------
Satan: "Hahaha!" — God: "Get out!"

Satan: "Hahaha!" —God: "Get out!"
Satan: "Hahaha!" —God: "Get out!"
Satan: "Hahaha!" —God: "Get out!"
Satan: "Hahaha!" —God: "Get out!"
Satan: "Hahaha!" —God: "Get out!"
-----------
We are just hamsters in this terrible experiment

We are just hamsters in this terrible experiment
We are just hamsters in this terrible experiment
We are just hamsters in this terrible experiment
We are just hamsters in this terrible experiment
We are just hamsters in this terrible experiment
------------
Been there
Done that
Got the T‑shirt

Been there / Done that / Got the T-shirt
Been there / Done that / Got the T-shirt
Been there / Done that / Got the T-shirt
Been there / Done that / Got the T-shirt
Been there / Done that / Got the T-shirt
-------------
Professor: "Which book has helped you the most?" — Student: "My father's checkbook"

Professor: "Which book has helped you the most?" —Student: "My father's checkbook"
Professor: "Which book has helped you the most?" —Student: "My father's checkbook"
Professor: "Which book has helped you the most?" —Student: "My father's checkbook"
Professor: "Which book has helped you the most?" —Student: "My father's checkbook"
Professor: "Which book has helped you the most?" —Student: "My father's checkbook"
------------
A theory is a very dangerous thing to have

A theory is a very dangerous thing to have
A theory is a very dangerous thing to have
A theory is a very dangerous thing to have
A theory is a very dangerous thing to have
A theory is a very dangerous thing to have
--------------
So I wanted to go to the gym. But then I decided to go to Jim's.

So I wanted to go to the gym. But then I decided to go to Jim's.
So I wanted to go to the gym. But then I decided to go to Jim's.
So I wanted to go to the gym. But then I decided to go to Jim's.
So I wanted to go to the gym. But then I decided to go to Jim's.
So I wanted to go to the gym. But then I decided to go to Jim's.
--------------
As battery life decreases, anxiety increases

As battery life decreases, anxiety increases
As battery life decreases, anxiety increases
As battery life decreases, anxiety increases
As battery life decreases, anxiety increases
As battery life decreases, anxiety increases
-----------------
Fun fact: You can hold your breath underwater until the end of your life

Fun fact: You can hold your breath underwater until the end of your life
Fun fact: You can hold your breath underwater until the end of your life
Fun fact: You can hold your breath underwater until the end of your life
Fun fact: You can hold your breath underwater until the end of your life
Fun fact: You can hold your breath underwater until the end of your life
-----------
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
--------------
I won the award for laziness. I sent somebody to pick it up for me.

I won the award for laziness. I sent somebody to pick it up for me.
I won the award for laziness. I sent somebody to pick it up for me.
I won the award for laziness. I sent somebody to pick it up for me.
I won the award for laziness. I sent somebody to pick it up for me.
I won the award for laziness. I sent somebody to pick it up for me.
----------------
When I said that I cleaned my room, I meant I made a path from the door to my bed

When I said that I cleaned my room, I meant I made a path from the door to my bed
When I said that I cleaned my room, I meant I made a path from the door to my bed
When I said that I cleaned my room, I meant I made a path from the door to my bed
When I said that I cleaned my room, I meant I made a path from the door to my bed
When I said that I cleaned my room, I meant I made a path from the door to my bed
------------
They hated each other. But the language barrier prevented effective insulting.

They hated each other. But the language barrier prevented effective insulting.
They hated each other. But the language barrier prevented effective insulting.
They hated each other. But the language barrier prevented effective insulting.
They hated each other. But the language barrier prevented effective insulting.
They hated each other. But the language barrier prevented effective insulting.
------------
I am shock and confuse

I am shock and confuse
I am shock and confuse
I am shock and confuse
I am shock and confuse
I am shock and confuse
---------
Her Majesty requested the highest of fives

Her Majesty requested the highest of fives
Her Majesty requested the highest of fives
Her Majesty requested the highest of fives
Her Majesty requested the highest of fives
Her Majesty requested the highest of fives
--------------
It's wine o'clock

It's wine o'clock
It's wine o'clock
It's wine o'clock
It's wine o'clock
It's wine o'clock
-----------
I am confuse

I am confuse
I am confuse
I am confuse
I am confuse
I am confuse
-----------------
Things that I hate:
  • lists
  • irony
  • lists
  • repetition
  • inconsistency


Things that I hate: / •lists •irony •lists •repetition •inconsistency
Things that I hate: / •lists •irony •lists •repetition •inconsistency
Things that I hate: / •lists •irony •lists •repetition •inconsistency
Things that I hate: / •lists •irony •lists •repetition •inconsistency
Things that I hate: / •lists •irony •lists •repetition •inconsistency
-----------
I'm overweight because of my metabolism and my cheesecake

I'm overweight because of my metabolism and my cheesecake
I'm overweight because of my metabolism and my cheesecake
I'm overweight because of my metabolism and my cheesecake
I'm overweight because of my metabolism and my cheesecake
I'm overweight because of my metabolism and my cheesecake
----------------
If you step on someone's foot, they open their mouth, just like trashcans

If you step on someone's foot, they open their mouth, just like trashcans
If you step on someone's foot, they open their mouth, just like trashcans
If you step on someone's foot, they open their mouth, just like trashcans
If you step on someone's foot, they open their mouth, just like trashcans
If you step on someone's foot, they open their mouth, just like trashcans
-----------
Pros and Cons of making food:
Pro: Food
Con: Making

Pros and Cons of making food: / Pro: Food / Con: Making
Pros and Cons of making food: / Pro: Food / Con: Making
Pros and Cons of making food: / Pro: Food / Con: Making
Pros and Cons of making food: / Pro: Food / Con: Making
Pros and Cons of making food: / Pro: Food / Con: Making
---------
Time is money. ATMs are time machines.

Time is money. ATMs are time machines.
Time is money. ATMs are time machines.
Time is money. ATMs are time machines.
Time is money. ATMs are time machines.
Time is money. ATMs are time machines.
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Neil Armstrong: "Houston, we have a problem. Buzz Aldrin has brought a grenade onboard."

Neil Armstrong: "Houston, we have a problem. Buzz Aldrin has brought a grenade onboard."
Neil Armstrong: "Houston, we have a problem. Buzz Aldrin has brought a grenade onboard."
Neil Armstrong: "Houston, we have a problem. Buzz Aldrin has brought a grenade onboard."
Neil Armstrong: "Houston, we have a problem. Buzz Aldrin has brought a grenade onboard."
Neil Armstrong: "Houston, we have a problem. Buzz Aldrin has brought a grenade onboard."
--------------
From the devil's profile page: "Hi, I'm Satan. I'm funny as hell."

From the devil's profile page: "Hi, I'm Satan. I'm funny as hell."
From the devil's profile page: "Hi, I'm Satan. I'm funny as hell."
From the devil's profile page: "Hi, I'm Satan. I'm funny as hell."
From the devil's profile page: "Hi, I'm Satan. I'm funny as hell."
From the devil's profile page: "Hi, I'm Satan. I'm funny as hell."
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Get one for the price of two! And get the second one free!!

Get one for the price of two! And get the second one free!!
Get one for the price of two! And get the second one free!!
Get one for the price of two! And get the second one free!!
Get one for the price of two! And get the second one free!!
Get one for the price of two! And get the second one free!!
---------
Space minister: "We intend to land a man on the sun" — "Wait, the sun's surface is extremely hot. How do you plan to do it?" — "We will do it at night!"

Space minister: "We intend to land a man on the sun" —"Wait, the sun's surface is extremely hot. How do you plan to do it?" —"We will do it at night!"
Space minister: "We intend to land a man on the sun" —"Wait, the sun's surface is extremely hot. How do you plan to do it?" —"We will do it at night!"
Space minister: "We intend to land a man on the sun" —"Wait, the sun's surface is extremely hot. How do you plan to do it?" —"We will do it at night!"
Space minister: "We intend to land a man on the sun" —"Wait, the sun's surface is extremely hot. How do you plan to do it?" —"We will do it at night!"
Space minister: "We intend to land a man on the sun" —"Wait, the sun's surface is extremely hot. How do you plan to do it?" —"We will do it at night!"
------------
Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kathrin.

Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kathrin.
Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kathrin.
Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kathrin.
Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kathrin.
Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kathrin.
---------
I'm too phoned to stone home

I'm too phoned to stone home
I'm too phoned to stone home
I'm too phoned to stone home
I'm too phoned to stone home
I'm too phoned to stone home
--------------
I don't cair

I don't cair
I don't cair
I don't cair
I don't cair
I don't cair
----------
I'm a weirdo, but if I'm accepted by other weirdos, am I still a weirdo?

I'm a weirdo, but if I'm accepted by other weirdos, am I still a weirdo?
I'm a weirdo, but if I'm accepted by other weirdos, am I still a weirdo?
I'm a weirdo, but if I'm accepted by other weirdos, am I still a weirdo?
I'm a weirdo, but if I'm accepted by other weirdos, am I still a weirdo?
I'm a weirdo, but if I'm accepted by other weirdos, am I still a weirdo?
-------------
Welcome to the math-no-longer-applies zone

Welcome to the math-no-longer-applies zone
Welcome to the math-no-longer-applies zone
Welcome to the math-no-longer-applies zone
Welcome to the math-no-longer-applies zone
Welcome to the math-no-longer-applies zone
----------
*Asks a stranger on on the street* "Hey, do you know how to meditate?" — "Huh? Erm, no." — "Google it!"

*Asks a stranger on on the street* "Hey, do you know how to meditate?" —"Huh? Erm, no." —"Google it!"
*Asks a stranger on on the street* "Hey, do you know how to meditate?" —"Huh? Erm, no." —"Google it!"
*Asks a stranger on on the street* "Hey, do you know how to meditate?" —"Huh? Erm, no." —"Google it!"
*Asks a stranger on on the street* "Hey, do you know how to meditate?" —"Huh? Erm, no." —"Google it!"
*Asks a stranger on on the street* "Hey, do you know how to meditate?" —"Huh? Erm, no." —"Google it!"
-----------
9/11 was an inside job
7/11 was a part time job

9/11 was an inside job / 7/11 was a part time job
9/11 was an inside job / 7/11 was a part time job
9/11 was an inside job / 7/11 was a part time job
9/11 was an inside job / 7/11 was a part time job
9/11 was an inside job / 7/11 was a part time job
-----------------
Mafioso: "Wanna hear a YLYD joke? You laugh, you die"

Mafioso: "Wanna hear a YLYD joke? You laugh, you die"
Mafioso: "Wanna hear a YLYD joke? You laugh, you die"
Mafioso: "Wanna hear a YLYD joke? You laugh, you die"
Mafioso: "Wanna hear a YLYD joke? You laugh, you die"
Mafioso: "Wanna hear a YLYD joke? You laugh, you die"
--------------
I'm Livin' La Vida Broka!

I'm Livin' La Vida Broka!
I'm Livin' La Vida Broka!
I'm Livin' La Vida Broka!
I'm Livin' La Vida Broka!
I'm Livin' La Vida Broka!
----------------
Two mice chewing on a film roll... "I think the book was better"

Two mice chewing on a film roll... "I think the book was better"
Two mice chewing on a film roll... "I think the book was better"
Two mice chewing on a film roll... "I think the book was better"
Two mice chewing on a film roll... "I think the book was better"
Two mice chewing on a film roll... "I think the book was better"
-----------
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.

What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.
------------
My boss told me I intimidate my colleages. So I stared at him until he apologized.

My boss told me I intimidate my colleages. So I stared at him until he apologized.
My boss told me I intimidate my colleages. So I stared at him until he apologized.
My boss told me I intimidate my colleages. So I stared at him until he apologized.
My boss told me I intimidate my colleages. So I stared at him until he apologized.
My boss told me I intimidate my colleages. So I stared at him until he apologized.
--------------
Some people just have a way with words. Other people... erm... not have... way.

Some people just have a way with words. Other people... erm... not have... way.
Some people just have a way with words. Other people... erm... not have... way.
Some people just have a way with words. Other people... erm... not have... way.
Some people just have a way with words. Other people... erm... not have... way.
Some people just have a way with words. Other people... erm... not have... way.
------------
Haven't talked to my wife in 3 weeks. Didn't want to interrupt her.

Haven't talked to my wife in 3 weeks. Didn't want to interrupt her.
Haven't talked to my wife in 3 weeks. Didn't want to interrupt her.
Haven't talked to my wife in 3 weeks. Didn't want to interrupt her.
Haven't talked to my wife in 3 weeks. Didn't want to interrupt her.
Haven't talked to my wife in 3 weeks. Didn't want to interrupt her.
--------------
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
---------------
I didn't mean to gain weight. It happened by snaccident.

I didn't mean to gain weight. It happened by snaccident.
I didn't mean to gain weight. It happened by snaccident.
I didn't mean to gain weight. It happened by snaccident.
I didn't mean to gain weight. It happened by snaccident.
I didn't mean to gain weight. It happened by snaccident.
-----------
I'm not crazy, I take my pills every day!

I'm not crazy, I take my pills every day!
I'm not crazy, I take my pills every day!
I'm not crazy, I take my pills every day!
I'm not crazy, I take my pills every day!
I'm not crazy, I take my pills every day!
---------
Build a man a fire, and you warm him for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Build a man a fire, and you warm him for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Build a man a fire, and you warm him for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Build a man a fire, and you warm him for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Build a man a fire, and you warm him for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Build a man a fire, and you warm him for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Build a man a fire, and you warm him for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
----------------
We want to be the first in space
which is a place
where nothing's there in the first place

We want to be the first in space / which is a place / where nothing's there in the first place
We want to be the first in space / which is a place / where nothing's there in the first place
We want to be the first in space / which is a place / where nothing's there in the first place
We want to be the first in space / which is a place / where nothing's there in the first place
We want to be the first in space / which is a place / where nothing's there in the first place
We want to be the first in space / which is a place / where nothing's there in the first place
-----------------
I feel I'm already tired tomorrow

I feel I'm already tired tomorrow
I feel I'm already tired tomorrow
I feel I'm already tired tomorrow
I feel I'm already tired tomorrow
I feel I'm already tired tomorrow
--------------
Awesome ends with "me". Snafu ends with "u".

Awesome ends with "me". Snafu ends with "u".
Awesome ends with "me". Snafu ends with "u".
Awesome ends with "me". Snafu ends with "u".
Awesome ends with "me". Snafu ends with "u".
Awesome ends with "me". Snafu ends with "u".
---------------
Peter Panhood: Steals money from pirates

Peter Panhood: Steals money from pirates
Peter Panhood: Steals money from pirates
Peter Panhood: Steals money from pirates
Peter Panhood: Steals money from pirates
Peter Panhood: Steals money from pirates
----------------
No coffee
No workee

No coffee / No workee
No coffee / No workee
No coffee / No workee
No coffee / No workee
No coffee / No workee
-----------
I'm like: "Oh, please please please! Pretty pleeeease!" And life's like: "Nope."

I'm like: "Oh, please please please! Pretty pleeeease!" And life's like: "Nope."
I'm like: "Oh, please please please! Pretty pleeeease!" And life's like: "Nope."
I'm like: "Oh, please please please! Pretty pleeeease!" And life's like: "Nope."
I'm like: "Oh, please please please! Pretty pleeeease!" And life's like: "Nope."
I'm like: "Oh, please please please! Pretty pleeeease!" And life's like: "Nope."
---------------
If you park, don't drink! Accidents cause people!

If you park, don't drink! Accidents cause people!
If you park, don't drink! Accidents cause people!
If you park, don't drink! Accidents cause people!
If you park, don't drink! Accidents cause people!
If you park, don't drink! Accidents cause people!
---------
Opera is the only place where a guy gets stabbed and instead of bleeding, he sings

Opera is the only place where a guy gets stabbed and instead of bleeding, he sings
Opera is the only place where a guy gets stabbed and instead of bleeding, he sings
Opera is the only place where a guy gets stabbed and instead of bleeding, he sings
Opera is the only place where a guy gets stabbed and instead of bleeding, he sings
Opera is the only place where a guy gets stabbed and instead of bleeding, he sings
-----------------
I am knolegeble and intellygnet

I am knolegeble and intellygnet
I am knolegeble and intellygnet
I am knolegeble and intellygnet
I am knolegeble and intellygnet
I am knolegeble and intellygnet
---------
I just read a study that says smoking weed causes short term memory loss. Next thing you know someone will make a study that says smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

I just read a study that says smoking weed causes short term memory loss. Next thing you know someone will make a study that says smoking weed causes short term memory loss.
I just read a study that says smoking weed causes short term memory loss. Next thing you know someone will make a study that says smoking weed causes short term memory loss.
I just read a study that says smoking weed causes short term memory loss. Next thing you know someone will make a study that says smoking weed causes short term memory loss.
I just read a study that says smoking weed causes short term memory loss. Next thing you know someone will make a study that says smoking weed causes short term memory loss.
I just read a study that says smoking weed causes short term memory loss. Next thing you know someone will make a study that says smoking weed causes short term memory loss.
--------------
First I was like "Whatever, you idiots". But then the idiots whatevered.

First I was like "Whatever, you idiots". But then the idiots whatevered.
First I was like "Whatever, you idiots". But then the idiots whatevered.
First I was like "Whatever, you idiots". But then the idiots whatevered.
First I was like "Whatever, you idiots". But then the idiots whatevered.
First I was like "Whatever, you idiots". But then the idiots whatevered.
---------
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done
------------
Money talks. Its favorite word is "Goodbye!"

Money talks. Its favorite word is "Goodbye!"
Money talks. Its favorite word is "Goodbye!"
Money talks. Its favorite word is "Goodbye!"
Money talks. Its favorite word is "Goodbye!"
Money talks. Its favorite word is "Goodbye!"
Money talks. Its favorite word is "Goodbye!"
--------------
Sometimes your mouth is like a zipper. By the time you realize it's open, it has already embarrassed you .

Sometimes your mouth is like a zipper. By the time you realize it's open, it has already embarrassed you .
Sometimes your mouth is like a zipper. By the time you realize it's open, it has already embarrassed you .
Sometimes your mouth is like a zipper. By the time you realize it's open, it has already embarrassed you .
Sometimes your mouth is like a zipper. By the time you realize it's open, it has already embarrassed you .
Sometimes your mouth is like a zipper. By the time you realize it's open, it has already embarrassed you .
--------------
Don't worry if your parachute fails to deploy... You have the rest of your life to fix it.

Don't worry if your parachute fails to deploy... You have the rest of your life to fix it.
Don't worry if your parachute fails to deploy... You have the rest of your life to fix it.
Don't worry if your parachute fails to deploy... You have the rest of your life to fix it.
Don't worry if your parachute fails to deploy... You have the rest of your life to fix it.
Don't worry if your parachute fails to deploy... You have the rest of your life to fix it.
------------
Some people have Aha! moments. I have Oh Sh*t moments.

Some people have Aha! moments. I have Oh Sh*t moments.
Some people have Aha! moments. I have Oh Sh*t moments.
Some people have Aha! moments. I have Oh Sh*t moments.
Some people have Aha! moments. I have Oh Sh*t moments.
Some people have Aha! moments. I have Oh Sh*t moments.
----------
Saying "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" are the same things. Except at a funeral.

Saying "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" are the same things. Except at a funeral.
Saying "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" are the same things. Except at a funeral.
Saying "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" are the same things. Except at a funeral.
Saying "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" are the same things. Except at a funeral.
Saying "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" are the same things. Except at a funeral.
-----------
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need. Not all this "How did you get in my house?" business.

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need. Not all this "How did you get in my house?" business.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need. Not all this "How did you get in my house?" business.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need. Not all this "How did you get in my house?" business.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need. Not all this "How did you get in my house?" business.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need. Not all this "How did you get in my house?" business.
----------------
"And if you sign up for our Platinum Star membership level, we stop pestering you to sign up for our Platinum Star membership level."

"And if you sign up for our Platinum Star membership level, we stop pestering you to sign up for our Platinum Star membership level."
"And if you sign up for our Platinum Star membership level, we stop pestering you to sign up for our Platinum Star membership level."
"And if you sign up for our Platinum Star membership level, we stop pestering you to sign up for our Platinum Star membership level."
"And if you sign up for our Platinum Star membership level, we stop pestering you to sign up for our Platinum Star membership level."
"And if you sign up for our Platinum Star membership level, we stop pestering you to sign up for our Platinum Star membership level."
-----------
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
--------------
I know that there are people who don't love their fellow man. I hate those people.

I know that there are people who don't love their fellow man. I hate those people.
I know that there are people who don't love their fellow man. I hate those people.
I know that there are people who don't love their fellow man. I hate those people.
I know that there are people who don't love their fellow man. I hate those people.
I know that there are people who don't love their fellow man. I hate those people.
-----------
Scientists have discovered exactly how much sleep an average person needs. Just 30 minutes more.

Scientists have discovered exactly how much sleep an average person needs. Just 30 minutes more.
Scientists have discovered exactly how much sleep an average person needs. Just 30 minutes more.
Scientists have discovered exactly how much sleep an average person needs. Just 30 minutes more.
Scientists have discovered exactly how much sleep an average person needs. Just 30 minutes more.
Scientists have discovered exactly how much sleep an average person needs. Just 30 minutes more.
-------------
Don't you hate it when somebody answers their own questions? I do.

Don't you hate it when somebody answers their own questions? I do.
Don't you hate it when somebody answers their own questions? I do.
Don't you hate it when somebody answers their own questions? I do.
Don't you hate it when somebody answers their own questions? I do.
Don't you hate it when somebody answers their own questions? I do.
--------------
I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious
I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious
I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious
I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious
I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious
------------
I hate peer pressure and you should too.

I hate peer pressure and you should too.
I hate peer pressure and you should too.
I hate peer pressure and you should too.
I hate peer pressure and you should too.
I hate peer pressure and you should too.
----------
Scientists have now discovered, the thicker your thighs, the more snacks you can lay on your lap.

Scientists have now discovered, the thicker your thighs, the more snacks you can lay on your lap.
Scientists have now discovered, the thicker your thighs, the more snacks you can lay on your lap.
Scientists have now discovered, the thicker your thighs, the more snacks you can lay on your lap.
Scientists have now discovered, the thicker your thighs, the more snacks you can lay on your lap.
Scientists have now discovered, the thicker your thighs, the more snacks you can lay on your lap.
---------
Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear brighter until they speak

Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear brighter until they speak
Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear brighter until they speak
Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear brighter until they speak
Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear brighter until they speak
Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear brighter until they speak
----------------
Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment

Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment
Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment
Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment
Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment
Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment
----------
How many programmers does it need to change a bulb?
Zero. It's a hardware problem.

How many programmers does it need to change a bulb? Zero. It's a hardware problem.
How many programmers does it need to change a bulb? Zero. It's a hardware problem.
How many programmers does it need to change a bulb? Zero. It's a hardware problem.
How many programmers does it need to change a bulb? Zero. It's a hardware problem.
How many programmers does it need to change a bulb? Zero. It's a hardware problem.
------------
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
------------
He was like "Wow, dude, wow" and I was like "What does wow even mean, dude?" You know what I mean?

He was like "Wow, dude, wow" and I was like "What does wow even mean, dude?" You know what I mean?
He was like "Wow, dude, wow" and I was like "What does wow even mean, dude?" You know what I mean?
He was like "Wow, dude, wow" and I was like "What does wow even mean, dude?" You know what I mean?
He was like "Wow, dude, wow" and I was like "What does wow even mean, dude?" You know what I mean?
He was like "Wow, dude, wow" and I was like "What does wow even mean, dude?" You know what I mean?
------------
Cop: "I smell marijuana in your car" — Driver: "He who smelt it, dealt it" — Cop: "Gosh, dang it" — Driver: "You're under arrest, officer!"

Cop: "I smell marijuana in your car" —Driver: "He who smelt it, dealt it" —Cop: "Gosh, dang it" —Driver: "You're under arrest, officer!"
Cop: "I smell marijuana in your car" —Driver: "He who smelt it, dealt it" —Cop: "Gosh, dang it" —Driver: "You're under arrest, officer!"
Cop: "I smell marijuana in your car" —Driver: "He who smelt it, dealt it" —Cop: "Gosh, dang it" —Driver: "You're under arrest, officer!"
Cop: "I smell marijuana in your car" —Driver: "He who smelt it, dealt it" —Cop: "Gosh, dang it" —Driver: "You're under arrest, officer!"
Cop: "I smell marijuana in your car" —Driver: "He who smelt it, dealt it" —Cop: "Gosh, dang it" —Driver: "You're under arrest, officer!"
Cop: "I smell marijuana in your car" —Driver: "He who smelt it, dealt it" —Cop: "Gosh, dang it" —Driver: "You're under arrest, officer!"
---------------
Pilot: "The good news first. Today we're going to be on TV."

Pilot: "The good news first. Today we're going to be on TV."
Pilot: "The good news first. Today we're going to be on TV."
Pilot: "The good news first. Today we're going to be on TV."
Pilot: "The good news first. Today we're going to be on TV."
Pilot: "The good news first. Today we're going to be on TV."
----------
Don't be gentle,
It's a rental.

—Old Finnish proverb

Don't be gentle, / It's a rental. / / —Old Finnish proverb
Don't be gentle, / It's a rental. / / —Old Finnish proverb
Don't be gentle, / It's a rental. / / —Old Finnish proverb
Don't be gentle, / It's a rental. / / —Old Finnish proverb
Don't be gentle, / It's a rental. / / —Old Finnish proverb
--------------
I don't get drunk. I get WOW!

I don't get drunk. I get WOW!
I don't get drunk. I get WOW!
I don't get drunk. I get WOW!
I don't get drunk. I get WOW!
I don't get drunk. I get WOW!
-----------------
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
----------
Sometimes I think I'm too picky. But then I watch my dog searching for a place to poop.

Sometimes I think I'm too picky. But then I watch my dog searching for a place to poop.
Sometimes I think I'm too picky. But then I watch my dog searching for a place to poop.
Sometimes I think I'm too picky. But then I watch my dog searching for a place to poop.
Sometimes I think I'm too picky. But then I watch my dog searching for a place to poop.
Sometimes I think I'm too picky. But then I watch my dog searching for a place to poop.
---------------
I wish common sense were more common

I wish common sense were more common
I wish common sense were more common
I wish common sense were more common
I wish common sense were more common
I wish common sense were more common
------------
I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making some more

I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making some more
I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making some more
I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making some more
I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making some more
I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making some more
-----------------
Which song of Michael Jackson do you prefer?