Short and clean jokes

I'm addicted to brake  fluid, but I can stop whenever I want
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1. Cheapest way to withdraw money? Gunpoint.
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2. Welcome to exactly where you don't want to be
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3. Anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, anyone going faster is a maniac
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4. Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town
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5. Your an retart
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6. Satan: "Hahaha!"  God: "Get  out!"
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7. A theory is a very dangerous thing to have
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8. In space we thrust
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9. The Flat Earth Society has members all around the globe
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10. We are just hamsters in this terrible experiment
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11. Been  there
Done  that
Got  the  T‑shirt
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12. Professor: "Which book has helped you the most?"  Student: "My father's checkbook"
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13. So I wanted to go to the gym. But then I decided to go to Jim's.
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14. Plastic is made out of oil. Oil is made out of the remnants of prehistoric plants and dinosaurs. Plastic dinosaurs are therfore made out of real dinosaurs.
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15. As battery life decreases, anxiety increases
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16. Walking at 3mph is calming and enjoyable. Driving a car at 3mph is upsetting and frustrating.
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17. Fun fact: You can hold your breath underwater until the end of your life
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18. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
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19. I won the award for laziness. I sent somebody to pick it up for me.
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20. When I said that I cleaned my room, I meant I made a path from the door to my bed
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21. We have a dwarf shortage
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22. They hated each other. But the language barrier prevented effective insulting.
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23. I am shock and confuse
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24. It's wine  o'clock
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25. Her Majesty requested the highest of fives
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26. Things that I hate:
  • lists
  • irony
  • lists
  • repetition
  • inconsistency
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27. I am confuse
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28. Time is money. ATMs are time  machines.
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29. From the devil's profile page: "Hi, I'm Satan. I'm funny as hell."
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30. YOLO: You only live online
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31. If you step on someone's foot, they open their mouth, just like trashcans
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32. I'm overweight because of my metabolism and my cheesecake
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33. Pros and Cons of making food:
Pro: Food
Con: Making
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34. Neil Armstrong: "Houston, we have a problem. Buzz Aldrin has brought a grenade onboard."
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35. Get one for the price of two! And get the second one free!!
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36. Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kathrin.
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37. "ERROR: You need to be logged in to log out. Please log in to log out."
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38. On Youtube: "We gonna crush this item with a hydraulic press"  Item gets crushed  "I can't believe it!"
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39. I'm too phoned to stone home
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40. I can haz CAPS
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41. I don't cair
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42. I'm a weirdo, but if I'm accepted by other weirdos, am I still a weirdo?
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43. *Asks a stranger on on the street* "Hey, do you know how to meditate?"  "Huh? Erm, no."  "Google  it!"
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44. 9/11 was  an  inside  job
7/11 was  a  part  time  job
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45. Welcome to the math-no-longer-applies zone
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46. Space minister: "We intend to land a man on the sun"  "Wait, the sun's surface is extremely hot. How do you plan to do it?"  "We will do it at night!"
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47. hOW CAN i DISABLE cAPSLOCK?
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48. Mafioso: "Wanna hear a YLYD joke? You laugh, you die"
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49. I'm Livin' La Vida Broka!
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50. Two mice chewing on a film roll. One goes: "I think the book was better"
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51. What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.
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52. My boss told me I intimidate my colleages. So I stared at him until he apologized.
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53. When I was young, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive. Thank god my older brother told me about it.
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54. Some people just have a way with words. Other people... erm... not have... way.
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55. Haven't talked to my wife in 3 weeks. Didn't want to interrupt her.
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56. My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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57. I didn't mean to gain weight. It happened by snaccident.
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58. I'm not crazy, I take my pills everyday!
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59. Build a man a fire, and you warm him for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
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60. We  want  to  be  the  first  in  space
which  is  a  place
where  nothing's  there  in  the  first  place
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61. function  isMyWifeRight($herStatement) {
  return  TRUE; // duh
  }
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62. // Life  motto
if  (lemons  == TRUE)
{ makeLemonade(); }
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63. I'm like: "Oh, please please please! Pretty pleeeease!" And life's like: "Nope."
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64. Opera is the only place where a guy gets stabbed and instead of bleeding, he sings
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65. If you park, don't drink! Accidents cause people!
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66. I am knolegeble and intellygnet
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67. First I was like "Whatever, you idiots". But then the idiots whatevered.
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68. Awesome ends with "me". Snafu ends with "u".
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69. I feel I'm already tired tomorrow
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70. Peter Panhood: Steals money from pirates
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71. No  coffee
No  workee
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72. I just read a study that says smoking weed causes short term memory loss. Next thing you know someone will make a study that says smoking weed causes short term memory loss.
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73. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
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74. I don't get drunk. I get WOW!
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75. Sometimes I think I'm too picky. But then I watch my dog searching for a place to poop.
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76. Geek: "May the Force be with you!"  Nerd: "May the Force be equal to the Mass multiplied by Acceleration!"
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77. I wish common sense were more common
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78. I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making some more
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79. "You don't want to cancel, do you?" [YES] [NO] [CANCEL]
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80. "Do you want to cancel?" [YES] [NO] [CANCEL]
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81. Which song of Michael  Jackson do you prefer?
A. BC
B. AD
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82. O God, if there is a God, save my soul, if I have a soul.
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83. I always find things in the last place I look. Because I stop looking after I find them.
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84. Be the person your dog thinks you are
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85. You can carry a rabbit's foot for luck, but remember: It didn't work out for the rabbit
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86. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done
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87. At the end of the day life should ask: "Do you want to save the changes?"
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88. Money talks. Its favorite word is "Goodbye!"
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89. Sometimes your mouth is like a zipper. By the time you realize it's open, it has already embarrassed you .
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90. Some people have Aha! moments. I have Oh  Sh*t  moments.
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91. Don't worry if your parachute fails to deploy... You have the rest of your life to fix it.
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92. Saying "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" are the same things. Except at a funeral.
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93. "And if you sign up for our Platinum Star membership level, we stop pestering you to sign up for our Platinum Star membership level."
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94. If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need. Not all this "How did you get in my house?" business.
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95. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
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96. Scientists have discovered exactly how much sleep an average person needs. Just 5 minutes more.
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97. I know that there are people who don't love their fellow man. I hate those people.
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98. Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
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99. I hate peer pressure and you should too.
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100. I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious
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101. Scientists have now discovered, the thicker your thighs, the more snacks you can lay on your lap.
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102. iPhone chargers, or as I call them: Apple  Juice.
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103. Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear brighter until they speak
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104. Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment
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105. How many programmers does it need to change a bulb?
Zero. It's a hardware problem.
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106. I've got some reliable inside information about Apple's next product. I won't be able to afford it.
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107. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
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108. Don't  be  gentle,
It's  a  rental.
—Old  Finnish  proverb
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109. He was like "Wow, dude, wow" and I was like "What does wow even mean, dude?" You know what I mean?
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110. Pilot: "The good news first. Today we're going to be on TV."
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111. Cop: "I smell marijuana in your car"  Driver: "He who smelt it, dealt it"  Cop: "Gosh, dang it"  Driver: "You're under arrest, officer!"
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112. Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
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113. No  + £££ = YES
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114. No  + $$$ = YES
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115. Ravioli. Also known as pregnant stamps.
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116. Sitcom. One  sits, one  comes.
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117. Between two evils I pick the one I didn't try before.
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118. I bought one of those DVDs to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the DVD skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
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119. It's meme, my selfie and Iphone
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120. "Should I ever be only able to function with the help of some machine, please turn me off"  "Sure, understood"  "Hey, hands off that router"
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121. Did you know? A bus is twice as fast when you try to catch it and half as fast when you sit in it
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122. The universe is made up of protons, neutrons, electrons and morons.
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123. "Write a wise saying, and your name will live forever."
—Anonymous
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124. Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
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125. Dig a hole. Name it love. Watch people fall in love.
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126. "What does IDK stand for?"  "I  Don't  Know"  "OH  MY  GOD, nobody  knows!!!!"
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127. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog
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128. If you put 2 socks into the washing machine, either 3 or 1 will come out. Washing machines are portals into a parallel sock dimension
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129. The Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules
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130. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
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131. People have so many allergies nowadays, soon it will be possible to rob a bank with a strawberry and a peanut.
"I HAVE A PEANUT AND I WILL USE IT!"
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132. My friend and I always laugh how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
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133. Everything in the world is a potato or isn't!
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134. "Waiter, waiter! There's a frog in my soup!!"  "Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation."
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135. Engagement  ring.
Wedding  ring.
Suffering.
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136. I always close my eyes on a crowded bus. I hate to see old ladies standing.
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137. "This is your captain speaking. AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING!"
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138. A Buddhist walks into a pizzeria and says, "Make me one with everything"