Real estate jokes

It's free real estate
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It's free real estate

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How does a dual agent sleep? Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

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What do you need to know to become a great vacant land salesperson? Lots.

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The neighbors always leave their sprinklers on which very annoying. It's a source of constant irrigation.

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I finally figured out how to make a million dollars in the real estate business. You start out with two million.

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"I robbed a shop last night"  "What did you get?"  "11 pictures. The cheapest one is worth over $180,000."  "Dude, these are from a real estate agents shop."

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No matter how many ways he tried, he was unable to split it up the large property into any number of equal sized parcels. The problem was, it was a piece of prime real estate.

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What do you call alligators interested in real estate?

Invest-igators

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What do you call a detective in the real estate business?

Sherlock Homes

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How many insects do you need to make money from your rental unit? Tenants.

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Why did the house go to the doctor? It had a window pane.

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What do British real estate agents care most about? Their proper tea.

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My bread and butter are listings with finished basements. They're my best cellars!

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I'm getting married to a top producing realtor tomorrow. Check out the diamond engagement ring he sold me.

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I was offered the chance to buy some real estate in Egypt's Valley of the Kings. But it turned out to be just a pyramid selling scheme.

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90% of the people in this city hate carpeting. The other 10% hate YOUR carpeting.

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My clients put in an offer on a two story house. One story before the offer, another story after the offer.

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Here, have a roof. It's on the house.

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What does a house wear?

Address

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CRM salesperson: "This CRM will cut your workload in half"  Real Estate Agent: "Wonderful, then I'll take two!"

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What do great affordable contractors have in common with UFOs? You always hear stories about them, but no one you know has actually seen one.

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The price of real estate in my neighbourhood has become so expensive only cats can afford it

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"Meh, that realtor doesn't look so strong. I bet I can take him in a fight!"  "Are you crazy? That guy says he flips houses in his spare time!"

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Did you hear about the last remaining unit in the apartment building? It was last but not leased.

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My buyer didn't have a lot of money for an apartment to spend so I asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.

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What's the difference between realtors and a mortgage brokers? Mortgage brokers know they're boring.

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