The best short jokes

I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want
1. Money maybe can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with
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2. Some people think it's romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date. I'm more worried about why they're bringing a knife on their date.
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3. I never make mistakes. I thought I did once... but I was wrong.
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4. I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked."
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5. What's the dif­fer­ence between in‑laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
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6. I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said "Thanks", I said "Don't mention it"
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7. I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo
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8. What's the dif­fer­ence between a good joke and a bad joke timing
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9. Before your criti­cize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criti­cize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes
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10. I want to die peace­fully in my sleep like my grand­father did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car
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11. A Buddhist walks into a pizzeria and says, "Make me one with everything"
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12. "This is your captain speaking. AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING!"
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13. I always close my eyes on a crowded bus. I hate to see old ladies standing.
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14. Engagement ring.
Wedding ring.
Suffering.
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15. "Waiter, waiter! There's a frog in my soup!!"  "Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation."
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16. What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
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17. What do you call an Englishman in the World Cup Finals? Referee.
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18. What's the difference between Cinderella and the England soccer team? Cinderella wanted to get to the ball.
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19. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
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20. The Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules
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21. If you put 2 socks into the washing machine, either 3 or 1 will come out. Washing machines are portals into a parallel sock dimension
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22. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog
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23. "What does IDK stand for?"  "I Don't Know"  "OH MY GOD, nobody knows!!!!"
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24. Dig a hole. Name it love. Watch people fall in love.
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25. Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
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26. Hey, psst, have you heard of this new social network for kids? It's called "Outside"!
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27. The universe is made up of protons, neutrons, electrons and morons.
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28. Did you know? A bus is twice as fast when you try to catch it and half as fast when you sit in it
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29. "Should I ever be only able to function with the help of some machine, please turn me off."  "Sure, understood."  "Hey, hands off that router."
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30. It's meme, my selfie and Iphone
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31. I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want
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