Short and clean jokes

I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want
1. Money maybe can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with
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2. Some people think it's romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date. I'm more worried about why they're bringing a knife on their date.
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3. I never make mistakes. I thought I did once... but I was wrong.
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4. I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked"
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5. Cop: "I smell marijuana in your car"  Driver: "He who smelt it, dealt it"  Cop: "Gosh, dang it"  Driver: "You're under arrest, officer!"
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6. I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said "Thanks", I said "Don't mention it"
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7. I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo
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8. What's the dif­fer­ence between a good joke and a bad joke timing
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9. Before your criti­cize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criti­cize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes
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10. I want to die peace­fully in my sleep like my grand­father did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car
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11. A Buddhist walks into a pizzeria and says, "Make me one with everything"
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12. "This is your captain speaking. AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING!"
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13. I always close my eyes on a crowded bus. I hate to see old ladies standing.
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14. Engagement ring.
Wedding ring.
Suffering.
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15. "Waiter, waiter! There's a frog in my soup!!"  "Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation."
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16. Everything in the world is a potato or isn't!
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17. My friend and I always laugh how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
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18. People have so many allergies nowadays, soon it will be possible to rob a bank with a strawberry and a peanut.
"I HAVE A PEANUT AND I WILL USE IT!"
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19. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
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20. The Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules
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21. If you put 2 socks into the washing machine, either 3 or 1 will come out. Washing machines are portals into a parallel sock dimension
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22. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog
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23. "What does IDK stand for?"  "I Don't Know"  "OH MY GOD, nobody knows!!!!"
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24. Dig a hole. Name it love. Watch people fall in love.
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25. Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
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26. "Write a wise saying, and your name will live forever."
—Anonymous
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27. The universe is made up of protons, neutrons, electrons and morons.
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28. Did you know? A bus is twice as fast when you try to catch it and half as fast when you sit in it
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29. "Should I ever be only able to function with the help of some machine, please turn me off"  "Sure, understood"  "Hey, hands off that router"
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30. It's meme, my selfie and Iphone
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31. I bought one of those DVDs to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the DVD skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
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32. Between two evils I pick the one I didn't try before.
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33. Sitcom. One sits, one comes.
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34. Ravioli. Also known as pregnant stamps.
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35. No + $$$ = YES
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36. No + £££ = YES
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37. Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
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38. Don't be gentle,
It's a rental.
—Old Finnish proverb
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39. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
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40. I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want
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41. I've got some reliable inside information about Apple's next product. I won't be able to afford it.
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42. How many programmers does it need to change a bulb?
Zero. It's a hardware problem.
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43. Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment
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44. Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear brighter until they speak
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45. iPhone chargers, or as I call them: Apple Juice.
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46. Scientists have now discovered, the thicker your thighs, the more snacks you can lay on your lap.
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47. I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious
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48. I hate peer pressure and you should too.
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49. Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
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50. I know that there are people who don't love their fellow man. I hate those people.
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51. Scientists have discovered exactly how much sleep an average person needs. Just 5 minutes more.
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52. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
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53. If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need. Not all this "How did you get in my house?" business.
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54. "And if you sign up for our Platinum Star membership level, we stop pestering you to sign up for our Platinum Star membership level."
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55. Saying "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" are the same things. Except at a funeral.
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56. Don't worry if your parachute fails to deploy... You have the rest of your life to fix it.
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57. Some people have Aha! moments. I have Oh Sh*t moments.
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58. Sometimes your mouth is like a zipper. By the time you realize it's open, it has already embarrassed you .
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59. Money talks. Its favorite word is "Goodbye!"
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60. At the end of the day life should ask: "Do you want to save the changes?"
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61. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done
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62. You can carry a rabbit's foot for luck, but remember: It didn't work out for the rabbit
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63. Be the person your dog thinks you are
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64. He was like "Wow, dude, wow" and I was like "What does wow even mean, dude?" You know what I mean?
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65. I always find things in the last place I look. Because I stop looking after I find them.
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66. O God, if there is a God, save my soul, if I have a soul.
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67. Which song of Michael Jackson do you prefer?
A. BC
B. AD
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68. "Do you want to cancel?" [YES] [NO] [CANCEL]
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69. "You don't want to cancel, do you?" [YES] [NO] [CANCEL]
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70. I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making some more
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71. I wish common sense were more common
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72. Geek: "May the Force be with you!"  Nerd: "May the Force be equal to the Mass multiplied by Acceleration!"
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73. Sometimes I think I'm too picky. But then I watch my dog searching for a place to poop.
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74. I don't get drunk. I get WOW!
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75. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
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76. What's the dif­fer­ence between in‑laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
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77. Pilot: "The good news first. Today we're going to be on TV."
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78. I just read a study that says smoking weed causes short term memory loss. Next thing you know someone will make a study that says smoking weed causes short term memory loss.
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79. No coffee
No workee
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80. Peter Panhood: Steals money from pirates
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81. I feel I'm already tired tomorrow
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82. Awesome ends with "me". Snafu ends with "u".
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83. First I was like "Whatever, you idiots". But then the idiots whatevered.
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84. I am knolegeble and intellygnet
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85. If you park, don't drink! Accidents cause people!
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86. Opera is the only place where a guy gets stabbed and instead of bleeding, he sings
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87. I'm like: "Oh, please please please! Pretty pleeeease!" And life's like: "Nope."
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88. // Life motto
if (lemons == TRUE)
{ makeLemonade(); }
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89. function isMyWifeRight($herStatement) {
  return TRUE; // duh
  }
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90. We want to be the first in space
which is a place
where nothing's there in the first place
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91. Build a man a fire, and you warm him for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
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92. I'm not crazy, I take my pills everyday!
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93. I didn't mean to gain weight. It happened by snaccident.
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94. My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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95. Haven't talked to my wife in 3 weeks. Didn't want to interrupt her.
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96. Some people just have a way with words. Other people... erm... not have... way.
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97. When I was young, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive. Thank god my older brother told me about it.
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98. My boss told me I intimidate my colleages. So I stared at him until he apologized.
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99. What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.
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100. Two mice chewing on a film roll. One goes: "I think the book was better"
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101. I'm Livin' La Vida Broka!
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102. Mafioso: "Wanna hear a YLYD joke? You laugh, you die"
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103. Her Majesty requested the highest of fives
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104. hOW CAN i DISABLE cAPSLOCK?
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105. Space minister: "We intend to land a man on the sun"  "Wait, the sun's surface is extremely hot. How do you plan to do it?"  "We will do it at night!"
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106. Welcome to the math-no-longer-applies zone
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107. 9/11 was an inside job
7/11 was a part time job
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108. *Asks a stranger on on the street* "Hey, do you know how to meditate?"  "Huh? Erm, no."  "Google it!"
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109. I'm a weirdo, but if I'm accepted by other weirdos, am I still a weirdo?
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110. I don't cair
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111. I can haz CAPS
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112. I'm too phoned to stone home
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113. On Youtube: "We gonna crush this item with a hydraulic press"  Item gets crushed  "I can't believe it!"
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114. "ERROR: You need to be logged in to log out. Please log in to log out."
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115. Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kathrin.
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116. Get one for the price of two! And get the second one free!!
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117. Neil Armstrong: "Houston, we have a problem. Buzz Aldrin has brought a grenade onboard."
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118. Pros and Cons of making food:
Pro: Food
Con: Making
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119. I'm overweight because of my metabolism and my cheesecake
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120. If you step on someone's foot, they open their mouth, just like trashcans
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121. YOLO: You only live online
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122. From the devil's profile page: "Hi, I'm Satan. I'm funny as hell."
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123. Time is money. ATMs are time machines.
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124. I am confuse
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125. I am shock and confuse
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126. It's wine o'clock
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127. Things that I hate:
  • lists
  • irony
  • lists
  • repetition
  • inconsistency
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128. They hated each other. But the language barrier prevented effective insulting.
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129. We have a dwarf shortage
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130. When I said that I cleaned my room, I meant I made a path from the door to my bed
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131. I won the award for laziness. I sent somebody to pick it up for me.
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132. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
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133. Fun fact: You can hold your breath underwater until the end of your life
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134. Walking at 3mph is calming and enjoyable. Driving a car at 3mph is upsetting and frustrating.
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